Impressions

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144.

Nuts and Bolts

My Friend Nada

Posted on February 15, 2013 by [ female name deleted ].
In all fairness , I have been considered SMI since 1983 . Dr. [name deleted] , one of the better ones , told me a delusional fantasy can seem more real than reality .
I first met my ‘invisible’ friend at [deleted] , a homeless complex in [deleted] . I had heard of her before , at seminary , some years earlier . I had a full size lithograph of her holding a Rose , and in the other a Diploma , which later became a marraige licence .
Her name is Nada and she is generally considered something of a monster here , as am I . She is the nicest , kindest , most thoughtful , loving , Goddess I have ever known . Usually ‘crazy voices ‘ come in two categories ; those who berate , hate , and indignify , and those who tell you to do crazy , stupid , or life threatening stunts . Nada is gentle , loving , and supportive . I have met many of her manifestations.

At [deleted] she appeared to me for three days in the [deleted] women’s shelter . She looked like BSG’s "Six" character played by Tricia Helfer , - in a black leather teddy . She and I did sexual things with each other otherwise unheard of ; not just i the bedroommed shelter , but all over the [deleted] campus . 3000 witnessess saw her pound me down in bed , the astro turf , and the grounds . There were Natives who sat and watched , and spoke Native toungues to her . She had told me that I had actually committed serous , greivous , sins , in the past , but that she felt I had been over punshed fo these thoughtless acts . She told me if I accepted her , in time , I would never have to worry again ...
It has been more than a year , and I still feel fear , for my life . My conversion to Bahai Faith is considered grounds for cold blooded murder in some quarters , here . Rather Like St Paul I converted to a religion I knew nothing about ; but am as enthusiastic as any neophyte . My first assignment was to give away all my clothes to the Watkins thrift store , and go to the men’s overflow shelter . It happened to be payday (SSA) so it only meant one night. The shelter filled up by 10 pm and lights out . The capacity sign said 50 people and it was full up .
I said , calmy , in a soft yet audible voice :
“I am Josef Carmen Anzaluuda .
Carmen is my Christian name
I am a Sonoran Girl
Tonight , I am your designated Sublationist " .

I danced slowly , snake , on the floor , then child pose and up to table top . My clothes were on at all times . I danced , slowly , sensually , sexually , like an Orion Slave Girl . I heard very few words .Mistakes or flaws were associated with coughs . Good stuff by hearing low , moans of pleasure as they slept . Some got up , quietly , and bedrolled out . I was astounded at how many men became incontinent . I danced from 10 pm til 2 am , and the shelter , still two thirds full , smelled like a horrendous outhouse . I went outside , and smoked , quietly and undisturbed , in the fenced ‘yard ‘ I was officially expelled the next day . Since it was payday , I took a bus back to [deleted] , a small town on the res .
Nada visited me at the marine motel , where I stayed while looking for an apartment . She taught me positions and trained me like an expert , yet gentle , drill sergeant . She would teach me forms , stretches , excercises , and hold positions . She would also pleasure me in diverse ways .
After I found a new apartment , she went away for about two weeks . She came to me one night with an associate ‘the green eyed one’ , who seemed Hawaiian . She showed me her …secret … and anointed my head with yellow oil . Nada said not to worry as this is spiritual , and the physical stuff would have burned a hole through my skull . This way I could be treated , with all benefits , without harmful side effects . Nada led me in excercises for many hours , til past dawn ; and then the green eyed one , watching judicially , touched my crown with her sceptre and said , You are a High Queen of the Be Hai . I fell into a deep sleep after that . I know not to speak of such things because it is a fast track to the Hospital de Mentales ; and others swear murder and mayhem and revenge for my outrageous “claims " . They are not my claims , I report my experiences …Before all this I was a behavioral scientist , and believe me , I would have called it dissociative schizophrenia , pretty much … MANIFESTATIONS OF NADA :
BSG’s "Six" character , a larger , husky black haired native / viking mix ( beowulf,, she says) , a white poodle we call puddles because she is incontinent , but is know locally and seen by ambulance people as the ‘safety dog’ , who apparently stays with critical patients on the ambulance ; A very cute , petite , black “Gorn from Star Trek “, with a huge , toothy smile and a delightful sense of humor . She sometimes wears oil on her tiny , black scales . She can breathe fire like godzilla , and Natives say she has been known to ‘gobble people up ‘ . She told me I could to , but I’m little and should save the bones for her . So ,if I swallow someone whole , I make sure to spit bones . Crunchy , munchy bones , for Nada .
She one appeared as a devlish monster called a whip -oor-whill - like some almost ghoulish apparition with a bisons skull and long fast arms , like bull whips . They Shriek something awful , and are very scary . They did some bedside service to me once , and afterward , She told me I passed , and comforted me the rest of the night .

YET TO COME :

" There is no inside , there is no outside . My skin is not a DMZ between myself and everything else . I am connected to all things . I am congruent with Nada " – Nada

[ NOTE: This comment was "posted" by a middle-age man who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia, the "Bearded Lady" disease. (jmm) ]

143.

Meanwhile, she concedes, in so many words, that the lives of Wilder's siblings were also blighted by sexual repression. Charlotte was the most forthcoming on the subject: a promising poet before the onset of mental illness and an eventual lobotomy, she hinted at her predicament in five "Monologues of Repression," while admitting elsewhere that she'd never managed a "homosexual consummation" because she was "too frigid" even to kiss. The bleakness of such a life -- a bleakness her brother doubtless knew only too well -- was perhaps "one significant root of her breakdown," according to Niven. [ ..... ] That said -- and never mind Niven's previous assertion that sexual frustration may well have led to actual schizophrenia for poor Charlotte -- [ ..... ]

[ Blake Bailey, in his review of Penelope Nivens's book, Thornton Wilder / A Life. The New York Times Book Review. Sunday. Dec. 30, 2012, p. 17. ]

142.

If Beethoven were sent to nursery school today, they would medicate him, and he would be a postal clerk.

--- Andrew Solomon, a lecturer in psychiatry at Cornell University, from his book, "Far From the Tree" -- Scribner (publisher).

141.

Thanks much Mike and again, Great Work !! [referring to New Quotation / Comment # 784 on this website]. The fact that I was living and working in close quarters with other guys on board the fishing boats must of had a similar effect on my early breakdowns.

I watched a video this morning on CBS of a bearded lady breakdown in progress. Poor guy.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505263_162-57399843/kony-2012-creator-hospitalized-after-arrest/?tag=morningFlexGridRight;flexGridModule

Take the Best of Care my great friend and colleague,

[name deleted]

140.

And YES I have been on your BeardedLady site many times already. I like it. Thank you!

[ Signe Baumane, a highly creative, independent film animator who states that 20 years ago she was diagnosed as being manic depressive. See her link: https://vimeo.com/50619518 ]

139.

One Response to Thoughts on Aincient Hunters

A competent doctor finally examined the two hemhorroids. One IS a Bison's Kiss" or Kiva Mark.. The other one gets and warrants colonoscopy within a few weeks. I had, never, in my life, heard of "Meatus". It refers to a Bison Human partial hybrid – not mutant. I NEVER expected to get PREGNANT!I carried my 3rd child, a roughly 3 1/2 LB 8 chromosome match Meatus for over a month. It grew ill and died. A mammalian uterus will eject a dead fetus. I slipped into the bathtub, got in a la Maz position and passed most of it. When I came to, I had 4 inches of thick, ruddish bathtub ring all around. I was covered with yuk like Carrie Underwood at Homecoming. I showered off as much as I saw, hosed by spray as much as what drained. Tired, miserable I went to bed and slept and wept through the night. It took an hour the next morning to clean the bathtub. I saw things on the bottom mat I never imagined I could ever see that came out of myself... I'm still sick, but much better. Next time I need a better council, midwife, or medicine healer. 3 Hospitals turned me away with no clue.

[ See also Impressions # 138 posted by this same man -- "Helene Tigh." ]

138.

Hunted Bison the traditional way this year . I lay down in a field and accepted a bull bison to sex me . Bull Bisons almost universally prefer anal entry with Humans . I mean , PREFER it ... When he sublated , My partner killed him with a military Tazer.

[ Posted by a middle-age man suffering from Schizophrenia, the "bearded lady" disease, who believes he has changed into a woman. He later added that he had played the role of the bison bull for approximately one half hour. See: www.HeleneTigh.com . (Subject also has a Facebook page and a LinkedIn page under a different name.) ]

137.

A.

"A Madman in Our Midst"

Crazy in a good way, that was always my father. Until mental illness sent him on a terrifying downward spiral through emergency rooms, psych wards, courtrooms and jails. This happens to families all over the country, and it often ends in tragedy. Could anything prevent that from being our fate too?

By Jennifer Interlandi

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      It was early December 2010. That August, my father, who was 69, became abruptly and deeply paranoid. Convinced that nameless people were trying to kill him, he slept no more than an hour or two a night and started drinking after five years of sobriety. When his suspicions grew to include his immediate family, he became violent and threatened suicide. At one point, he tried to jump out of the car as my mother was driving down the highway on the way to the doctor's office. On another day, he poured motor oil over her windshield as she was pulling out of the garage. More than once, he hit her. More than once, he threatened to burn the
house down.
      In rare moments of lucidity, he would cry and apologize, confessing that he was terrified. He didn't know what was happening to him. But we did. He was given a diagnosis of bipolar syndrome in 2005, during a similarly disturbing period. He rode out much of that episode in a state psychiatric hospital, and having him admitted again seemed the best way to keep him and my mother safe. His lucid moments would pass quickly. Once his switch flipped back to manic, he would refuse to even discuss the possibility that something was wrong, let alone consent to see a psychiatrist. [ ..... ]

"Twenty years ago, 'imminent danger' meant what most people think it means. But now there's this systemic push to divert people away from inpatient care, no matter how sick they are, because we know there's no place to send them."
      When I asked Davison [Robert Davison, executive director of the Mental Health Association of Essex County, NJ.] for specific examples, he rattled several off the top of his head. A man who was convinced that aliens were on the roof and that bugs were coming out of the walls and would not sit on furniture but only lie on the floor was not committable. Neither was the man who refused medication and mutilated his own testicles. Nor the woman who wouldn't eat because she believed the C.I.A. was trying to poison her. "It is unbelievable the condition of people who are found not to meet the standard, " Davison says. [ ..... ]
      They raised my sister, brother and me on fantastic, over-the-top stories about their courtship (he proposed on the first date) and the elaborate parties they gave before we were born. (They once converted an aboveground pool into an in-ground one by digging a huge pit in the backyard, they roasted a pig and the men put on my mother's wigs and gowns and danced the cancan.) [ ..... ]
      My father, a self-described man's man, spent 35 years cutting fabric in a factory in Jersey City. When he was past 50, the work went overseas and the factory closed. My siblings and I were still teenagers; my father took any job he could find -- stocking produce at A. & P., painting kitchens for cash, baking pies at Costco -- so that we could at least finish high school before the bank took the house.
      I once wondered if these indignities are what triggered his first bouts of mania. But for as long as I can remember, he was bubbling over or oozing out, as if his own skin could not quite contain him. In winter, he would cover every last ledge of our two-story home in blinking, multicolored and musical Christmas decorations. In summer, he kept a large vegetable garden and carried baskets of tomatoes and zucchini to our neighbors. He was never still [ ..... ]
      During his previous manic episode, in 2005, my father was committed to Hagedorn Psychiatric Hospital, a state facility, where he stayed for more than a month. [ ..... ]

[ "A MADMAN IN OUR MIDST" -- by Jeneen Interlandi, The New York Times Magazine, Sunday, June 24, 2012, pp. 24-28. ]

B.

I would like to meet the man who, faced with the choice of either becoming a demented human being in male habitus or a spirited woman, would not prefer the latter. Such and only such is the issue for me.

[ Dr. jur. Daniel Paul Schreber, "Memoirs of My Nervous Illness", Leipzig, Germany 1903. Translated, Edited, with Introduction, Notes and Discussion by Drs. Ida Macalpine and Richard A. Hunter, Wm. Dawsom & Sons, Ltd., Londom. 1955, p. 149. ]

C.

These considerations therefore lend an added weight to the circumstance that we are in point of fact driven by experience to attribute to homosexual wishful phantasies an intimate (perhaps invariable) relation to this particular form of disease. Distrusting my own experience on the subject, I have during the last few years joined with my friends C. G. Jung of Zurich and Sandor Ferenczi of Budapest in investigating upon this single point a number of cases of paranoid disorder which have come under observation. The patients whose histories provided the material for this enquiry included both men and women, and varied in race, occupation, and social standing. Yet we were astonished to find that in all of these cases a defense against a homosexual wish was clearly recognizable at the very centre of the conflict which underlay the disease, and that it was in an attempt to master an unconsciously reinforced current of homosexuality that they had all of them come to grief.¹ [¹ Further confirmation is afforded by Maeder's analysis of a paranoid patient J.B. (1910). The present paper, I regret to say, was completed before I had an opportunity of reading Maeder's work.]

[ "Psycho-Analytic Notes on an Autobiographical Account of a Case of Paranoia (Dementia Paranoides)". 1911. Sigmund Freud. The Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud. Vol. XII. The Hogarth Press and the Institute of Psycho-Analysis. London, 1958, p. 59. ]

136.

A.

95
Number of diagnoses in the 1952 DSM-I, the first edition of psychiatry's manual for diagnosing mental illnesses

283
Number of diagnoses in the 2011 DSM-IV-TR, the most recent edition

[ "GRAY MATTERS / Somehow the brain is greater than the sum of its parts", Smithsonian Magazine (summer 2012). ]

B.

In the history of psychiatry classificatory zeal has always varied inversely with psychological understanding.

[ Drs. Ida Macalpine & Richard A. Hunter, Translators of Dr. jur. Daniel Paul Schreber's "Memoirs of My Nervous Illness", Wm. Dawson & Sons, Ltd., London, 1955. ]

135.

Current nosology lists schizophrenia, affective disorders, and paranoia as "functional" psychoses. These psychoses can readily be distinguished from organic psychoses. Evidence of organic brain disease is absent and intellectual deterioration does not occur. Sexual disturbances are multifaceted and common. With affective disorders, the sexual drive frequently increases with mood elevation and decreases with mood depression.

Homosexual aspirations and concerns may be associated with all psychoses, but are most common with paranoia. Doubts about sexual identity, altered sexual performance, exaggerated sexual needs, and especially intimacy fears predominate in schizophrenia. [ ..... ]

[ "SEXUAL SYMPTOMS OF INCIPIENT SCHIZOPHRENIC PSYCHOSES" / Brief Guide to Office Counseling: Method of Patrick T. Donlon, M.D., Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, University of California School of Medicine, Davis.

In "Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality" November 1976, p. 69. ]

134.

      The mothers of schizophrenic patients have been the subject of intensive study during the past two decades, and some of the divergencies in the descriptions of such mothers and in the hypotheses concerning their pathogenic influences upon their offspring were resolved through the differentiation of the mothers of schizophrenic sons from the mothers of schizophrenic daughters. Alanen (1958) noted that whereas the mothers of male patients were closer to their sons who became schizophrenic than to their other children and were "possessively protective" of them, the mothers of female patients were likely to be aloof and their overprotection has an inimical quality (1). These findings were amplified by Fleck et al. (2) who found that mothers of female patients had little empathy for their daughters, lacked maternal warmth, were often vague and colorless, and failed to provide a suitable model of a woman with whom the daughter could identify--a situation that was often aggravated because the father derogated the mother and conveyed to the daughter that to gain his affection and esteem she must be very different from her mother. These women have a nebulous quality that makes them very difficult to describe (4). Their communications characteristically have an allusive, scattered content that conveys distance in interpersonal relationships. They had poor relationships with their own mothers and felt unwanted as girls and retaining a poor opinion of women and femininity, they not only have difficulty cathecting a daughter but also convey a sense of defeat and helplessness as part of woman's lot. Although they have difficulty in establishing boundaries between the self and the child, in contrast to mothers of schizophrenic sons, they do not seek to use the child to complete their lives or to compensate for the frustration of being women and gain little if any gratification from their daughters.
      We wish to direct attention to the manner in which the homosexual tendencies of some mothers of schizophrenic women influence their relationships with their daughters and create serious developmental problems for them. Our interest was drawn to the problem by a woman who had an older sister who was schizophrenic.
      A young woman, Mrs. A., entered analysis because of severe sexual inhibitions and anxiety that was becoming incapacitating. Her sister's hospitalization with the diagnosis of schizophrenia increased her concerns about herself. During the early months of her analysis, she depicted her mother as a kindly person who had always been strangely aloof from both of her daughters. However, on some occasions, Mrs. A.'s mother had related to her more as a sister than as a mother, confiding how she had at her husband's insistence sought to abort both of her children, and told intimate details of her sexual life and her difficulties with her paranoidally suspicious husband. While Mrs. A. was trying to unravel the perplexities of the strange relationship in her parental home, her mother died. The patient found a posthumous letter for her in which her mother told her that she knew she had been an ineffectual wife and mother. Now that Mrs. A. was old enough to understand, the mother wished her to know that her only real love had been a woman with whom she had lived for several years before eloping from this woman with the patient's father. She had hoped to live a normal life and become a good mother, but she had never been able to really love her husband or forget the earlier relationship that had been more meaningful and gratifying. It was very clear from the contents of the letter that the mother was posthumously seeking absolution from her favorite daughter for her homosexuality which she believed had been the major cause of her unhappy marriage and her daughter's emotional problems. After Mrs. A. absorbed the painful communication, she began to attain new insights concerning her parents' strange marriage, her mother's masochistic acceptance of her father's unfounded accusations of infidelity, her inordinate aloofness from her older daughter who had become schizophrenic and the reason her father's relationships with his daughters had verged on the incestuous.
      The definite homosexuality of this woman who had a schizophrenic daughter reminded the authors that several schizophrenic women whom one or the other of them had treated by psychoanalytic psychotherapy had been adversely affected by their mother's homosexually toned relationship with them. We shall summarize the material that is pertinent to the topic from the treatment of three patients. [...... ]
      Studies have indicated that the homosexual concerns and tendencies of schizophrenic patients, as well as their incestuous strivings and fears, reflect the incestuous or homosexual proclivities of a parent and, concomitantly, the failure of parents to maintain their own gender-linked roles and the essential boundaries between the two generations in the nuclear family (3). [.....]

[ "HOMOSEXUAL TENDENCIES IN MOTHERS OF SCHIZOPHRENIC WOMEN"

Ruth Wilmanns Lidz, M.D. and Theodore Lidz, M.D.
(Department of Psychiatry, Yale University, School of Medicine,
34 Park Street, New Haven, Connecticut 06519)

In "The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease". 1969. The Williams
& Wilkins Co. Vol. 149. No. 2. Printed in U.S.A. pp. 229-235. ]

133.

Fwd: I think I might be kind of delusional now On May 28, 2012 at 2:46am -0400, [deleted] wrote: when I go to the hospital it just pours out of me, people get freaked out and the next thing you know I am shackled to a bed, right arm pulled down hard against the bed to a point where my circulation is cut off, left hand left loose with about 2 inches of wiggle room, left leg strapped hard, and right leg left slightly loose. Clothes ripped off and tubes stuck down my penis against my will, groups of men and women staring at me saying this is hospital policy. You make one notion that you are there for a "psychological reason" and you become scum. Someone to abuse that nobody really gives a shit about. This has happened to me several times and it is when I start talking about things. I GET PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY ABUSED AT THE HOSPITAL. I CANT GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN. It is traumatic.

I can also start to relate this to life, religion, from Jesus to Mohammed, the Mayan calendar, the psyche. ....... Actually the polarization of the earth switches every 10 thousand years or so and low and behold the Mayan calendar ends on 12 21 2012, not really end of times, but hey the Mayan calendar goes for approx 10,000 years, coincidence? I can get to religion here too, Jesus was a Schizophrenic but came from a place of love not hate like Hitler/Stalin/Bin Laden, and His craziness is still affecting us today. There is an actually physical alignment of Earth, a Line, and a Black hole that resembles a long slit. Not my words. See the sexual references? All this stuff is on Discovery Chanel and History Chanel, ancient aliens; the clues are glaring all of us in the face. Sometimes when people are looking for something they never see it but when everyone steps back and looks at everything it is just glaring everyone in the face. Human beings have forgotten simple laws of physics; the pyramids are built with better precision than technology can do today.

Take it easy, [deleted]

[ A personal communication from a 42-year-old man suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, the "bearded lady" disease.]

132.

Mr. J Michael Mahoney,

My name is [deleted], I just finished reading Schizophrenia – The Bearded Lady disease, I came across it yesterday and could not stop until I finished. EXCELLENT!!!

I am 42, I was diagnosed as bipolar/schitzoidal years ago but from my readings found schizophrenia might be more appropriate and have had numerous psychotic breaks, delusions, etc….the most recent being at end of January.

I think what you have written is very accurate. I still don’t want to be labeled as “gay” or “homo” but accepting the fact that I have sexual feelings for people of the same sex does make life better. I understood this a long time ago but there is no one to discuss it with.

Books and compilations like this would help people greatly. The problem with hospitals nowadays is that is full of psychiatrists. People suffering and showing signs of mental illness don’t just need psychotropic drugs shoved down their throats, they need psychotherapy.

Thanks for the great read. If you are still interested in this subject then feel free to contact me back. I have tons of insight from my own personal experiences and in depth personal conversations with people that have various degrees of illness.

Take care, [deleted]

tel. no. [deleted]

131.

Rough week . Had third miscarriage a few days ago. I wrote this in espanol for the first time , while still extremely distressed . I'll look at this some time later to see if it still makes any sense at all ...

[ A recent comment posted on a social-networking site by a middle-aged man suffering from paranoid schizophrenia -- the "bearded lady" disease -- caused, at it invariably is, by severe bisexual conflict and gender confusion.

When asked if he was "putting us on," his mother answered: "I'm sure he's not putting us on because I've been with him in person and he's dead serious when he tells these tales. Also he gets scared and nervous about them." ]

130.

Paranoia--An historical digression

Paranoia, from Greek meaning wrong or faulty knowledge or reasoning, "antedates Hippocrates" (Cameron, 1944) when "it was most frequently used in a very general sense...as the equivalent of our popular current term insanity". It was resurrected by Vogel in 1772 and further extended by Heinroth in 1818. Its application was then gradually restricted to partial insanity or monomania until Zeihen (1894) and Cramer (1895) "Threw together all the 'primary disorders of reasoning'...including the acute and chronic forms and even all the delirious disorders of no matter what origin" (Meyer, 1928) under that title. Kraepelin "in a fit of indignation against Ziehan" (Meyer, 1917-18) reintroduced "dementia praecox", a term first used by Morel (1860) to call a halt to this paranoification of psychiatry. ... Dementia praecox was formally introduced as a specific disease entity by Kraepelin at the Heidelberg meeting of 1898" (Meyer, 1928). But time moves on and Kraepelin's dementia praecox is now obsolescent. It is being replaced by schizophrenia, the much wider concept introduced by Bleuler (1911), based on understanding of mental processes, rather than the static assessment of presenting symptoms by a multiplication of artificial diagnostic labels. As Meyer (ibid.) so truly says: "The history of dementia praecox is really that of psychiatry as a whole."

[ "Memoirs of My Nervous Illness", by Daniel Paul Schreber. Translated, Edited, with Introduction, Notes and Discussion by Ida Macalpine, M.D. and Richard A. Hunter, M.D., M.R.C.P., D.P.M. // Wm. Dawson & Sons Ltd., London 1955, pp. 13-4. ]

129.

The Rhythm
[pen name deleted]

Autograpology

Posted on March 16, 2012.
Rough. Drafty . I yelled at a man and got my first night in jail . I went to [name deleted] Hospital and got pilled back up . I returned to [deleted] but had to live in [deleted] Motel , which I could not really afford . I was evicted the day of my arrest as an "Undesirable Person" . My last day home was the 4th , and my truial was the 7th . On the 7th I plea barganed guilty , got that day in jail , six months unsupervised probation , and six months anger management . I had a major heart attack during court and later was helicoptered to [name deleted] hospital for catheter stinting agonies . 3 days later I was out and returned to [deleted] motel until the money ran out . Then I went to [deleted] to get established in [deleted] . I did get a state ID , stayed in the Women's shelter , and was harrassed/bombarded every waking minute . I also met a Daughter I never knew I had in High School . It was a Mother's agony and pleasure . I was slipped an unimaginable hallucinogen and for 3 and a half days I was hammerred flat by Nada , who appeared as Caprica Six , and 3000 witnessess say she looked just like Tricia Helfer . I became apostolically converted to a religion of which I know nothing , and had no more basic trauining than Yoga . Felonious Conduct ? She uses toys that are IMPOSSIBLE ! When I finally flipped I went to the mens shelter , after openly screwing her in the courtyard helpless in front of everybody , and crying out softly in a Native Toungue I've never spoken . We took slaves and went to the overflow shelter with 50 men ; and I opened Ductiilly . I said , around ten pm , I am [Name deleted] , [Name deleted] is my Christian name , tonight I will be your sublationist . I jazzed , untouched , except one accidental big toe , til two am. Later they said i 'did All Fifty Men ... I don't remember that part . They threw me out the next day and I scraped by one night on the street until I got my monthly ssa check . I returned home to [deleted] and lived in the motel until the money ran out . The only real estate rental LORD refused me a lease . Then , my motel owner stole mt columbia house " [Name deleted] Electra's Fit To Strip collection out of the mail . Then he called the Sheriff for non payment of rent .The Sheriff drove me to the men's overflow salvation army shelter for two days in [deleted] . I rolled and dragged my "cart" of luggage – everything I own left in the world , from [deleted] . SURPRISE ! I got a 86 dollar refund from insurance deposited on my card and stayed at a different motel and the federated church . I donated my DVD and hooked it to the TV in the room I stayed in . It gets CD's and DVD's now , only . Folks said it was impossible . I did , after a month , get to a judhge ordered anger management class in [deleted] yesterday , and my first NA meeting at [deleted]. …At one oclock this afternoon I run out of money again , despite the 278 dollar rent refund from my former landlord . Folks in [deleted] say i "did " half the town during this time . Facing tar and featheration , I have nowhere to go at all thia afternoon . No place in heaven or eath , folks said . Except Nada . She loves me like crazy day and night , just like with [Name deleted] , what with her being invisible save the other folks who see her . Legal action by due process is under way in three areas , and I may get legal aid next month . DSHS took my missing card information but whited out ALL - both of my names - [Name deleted] ( legal ) and [Name deleted] ( real , native , birth ) . Guess it gets round filed . I spent most of the rest of my money on a Po O Box [number deleted]. I will have a mailbox six months . Nada has been giving me "initiations" I've never heard of and I'm wrecked . Folks keep telling me I'm in Sublation /Sublaxion 2 aeven 5 hours at a time : even in waking hours right now – I'm insanely oversexed braindead and going right along – "[Name deleted]" one of my schizo's , can do this . I'm on automatic , like an automaton or some kind of hypersexual robot . Right now , agony , exctasy , blow , drip ,nothingness inside ...I have a bad feeling I talk to my case manager and go to the dreaded ‘sublation hospital to be humanely destroyed . With three weeks before due process , two weeks before payday, 3 hours of somewhere to live and some chow ; I don't know , I just ... don't know . I guess Nada is a native Goddess of Fever Madness who , like my ancestors , hated / hated by christians . I'm BOTH . Catholic , and apostolically Nadist – and , mind you , no saint . Nada has Deounced Naduism as to exact , ritual , and rigid ; I renounced [name deleted] as ABSOLUTELY NOT MY IDEA READ [Name deleted]. So , dispossessed , disprobate , deeply and madly in love with a 300n year old ghost ... I go see the doctor . """"Looks Like This is The End """"( Underdog , or Subbie...

[ The above "essay" was written by a middle-age man afflicted with paranoid schizophrenia who thinks he is now a woman, and who has assumed a female name as well as a female pen-name. (He has not yet undergone any sex-altering surgery.) He posts many similar essays to this one on his Facebook page -- openly using his female name, or his new pen-name. Finally, This essay has been [edited] for security purposes. ]

128.

Mr. Mahoney,

Thanks for sharing your book and insight which seems to provide a very logical approach to schizophrenia.

I'm not sure if you respond to personal emails from the public but I have a brother with full blown paranoid schizophrenia that I have spent much time with whose symptoms seem to correlate well with your hypothesis. Was wondering if you could recommend any good therapists (that follow your work and Dr. Kempf) in the [deleted for privacy reasons] area?

If you have made it this far thanks for reading... I have also listed some of his symptoms below:

Extremely repetitive thoughts like he's forced himself to use this as a mechanism to escape unwanted thoughts, the need to control everything as if this is also a mechanism to control unwanted thoughts, much more comfortable around females, delusions about 'us and them' (holds conversations with himself daily), walking several hours a day except very strangely like he's drunk (he does not drink or do drugs ) and when he starts he has a strange ritual of stumbling like he's transcending into another world completely oblivious to traffic or anything else.

I'm not a psychiatrist but he does feel comfortable talking to me and recently i have thrown out bits and pieces of your ideas at him like telling him its ok to thoughts u do not want, everyone has them etc and oddly enough he hasn't resisted but quite the opposite he hints that he wants to continue talking about stuff he would normally shut off to.

Thanks,

[Name]

127.

At some other point during my intermittently self-destructive existence, I heard someone's counselor say, "If it wasn't for drugs and alcohol, a lot of us would've killed ourselves."

[ Carrie Fisher, "Shockaholic," Simon & Schuster, New York, NY, 2011, pp. 14-5. ]

126.

washingtonpost.com

Contrarian Psychiatrist Loren Mosher, 70

By Adam Bernstein Washington Post Staff Writer Tuesday, July 20, 2004; Page B06

Loren R. Mosher, 70, who died of liver cancer July 10 at a clinic in Berlin, was a contrarian psychiatrist and schizophrenia expert who was dismissed from the National Institute of Mental Health for his controversial theories on treatment.

While chief of NIMH's Center for the Study of Schizophrenia from 1968 to 1980, Dr. Mosher decried excess drugging of the mentally ill; large treatment facilities like St. Elizabeths Hospital that he would have preferred to raze; and the sway pharmaceutical companies had over professional groups.

He advocated a largely drug-free treatment regimen for schizophrenics, which still runs counter to a prevailing opinion for using antipsychotic drugs for schizophrenics in the United States. His position was based on a view that schizophrenics are tormented souls who needed emotionally nourishing environments in which to recover. He said drugs were almost always unnecessary, except in the event of a violent or suicidal episode.

He eventually established small, drug-free treatment facilities that were more akin to homes than hospitals. His young care providers in one center, Soteria House in San Jose, lived and performed household chores with the handful of patients.

"The idea was that schizophrenia can often be overcome with the help of meaningful relationships, rather than with drugs, and that such treatment would eventually lead to unquestionably healthier lives," Dr. Mosher once wrote. As late as 2002, he claimed that 85 percent to 90 percent of his clients returned to the community without conventional hospital treatment.

In 1998, Dr. Mosher resigned from the American Psychiatric Association, which he called a "drug company patsy."

"The major reason for this action is my belief that I am actually resigning from the American Psychopharmacological Association," he wrote in his resignation letter. "Luckily, the organization's true identity requires no change in the acronym. At this point in history, in my view, psychiatry has been almost completely bought out by the drug companies."

Loren Richard Mosher was born in Monterey, Calif., and lived with various relatives after his mother's death from breast cancer when he was 9. He worked in oil fields in the American West as a young man to earn money for medical school, or so he told his employers. What was then a lie, he said, soon became truth as his co-workers came to the allegedly aspiring doctor with complaints about colds and sexual diseases.

After graduating from Stanford University and Harvard University medical school, he arrived at NIMH in 1964. His early schizophrenia research involved identical twins, one with schizophrenia and the other without the psychotic disorder. His research emphasized the "psychosocial" factors that he felt led one toward exhibiting symptoms but left the other one apparently normal.

Creating Soteria House in the early 1970s, he said, caused lasting trouble with the psychiatric community. After showing studies of patient recovery that matched traditional treatment with medication, the project lost its funding amid a strong peer backlash. So did a second residential treatment center in San Jose. "By 1980, I was removed from my [NIMH] post altogether," he wrote. "All of this occurred because of my strong stand against the overuse of medication and disregard for drug-free, psychological interventions to treat psychological disorders." He then taught psychiatry at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda and became head of the public mental health system in Montgomery County. He started a crisis house in Rockville, McAuliffe House, based on Soteria principles.

He was a prolific contributor to scientific journals and co-wrote several books, including "Community Mental Health: A Practical Guide" (1994). During the Ritalin phenomenon of the 1990s, he was often featured as a dissenting view in scores of articles. "If you tell a lie long enough, it becomes the truth," he said of the medication.

Dr. Mosher moved to San Diego from Washington in 1996. At his death, he was a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California at San Diego medical school and was in Berlin for experimental cancer treatment.

His marriage to Irene Carleton Mosher ended in divorce. Survivors include his wife of 16 years, Judy Schreiber of San Diego; three children from the first marriage, Hal Mosher of Fairfax, Calif., and Tim Mosher and Heather "Missy" Galanida, both of Los Angeles; two brothers; and a granddaughter.

© 2004 The Washington Post Company

125.

After my Christmas miscarraige I attempted suicide by Heroin . Homeless , I decided to take a long shot and get help in another town . It is almost a year now and I am finally clean and feeling some joy in my life.

Carmen Solari [ A pseudonym used by a mentally ill man suffering from schizophrenia, "the bearded lady" disease. ]

124.

At 18 months, [name deleted] started taking daily anti-psychotic drugs on the order of a pediatrician trying to quell the boy's severe temper tantrums. Thus began a troubled toddler's journey from one doctor to another, from one diagnosis to another, involving even more drugs. Autism, bipolar disorder, hyperactivity, insomnia, oppositional defiant disorder. The boy's daily pill regimen multiplied: the anti-psychotic Risperdal, the anti-depressant Prozac, two sleeping medicines and one for attention deficit disorder. All by the time he was 3.

- Duff Wilson, "A Child's Ordeal Shows Risks Of Psychosis Drugs for Young," The New York Times, September 2, 2010, p. A1.

[A JMM commentary: The inmates have finally taken over the asylum and are now running it.]

123.

Normally a woman keeps the female version of her surname which is the preface Ní meaning daughter of whereas the man uses the preface Mac meaning son of. My surname is NicAntSithigh. If I was a boy it would be MacAntSithigh. Men also use ó in the surname like Ó Murchú (murphy) whereas the woman would use Uí as in Uí Mhurchú and in the woman's case there is a "h" added to the Murchú. When we were kids at school they told us to remember that "ladies always wore their hats" so we would remember to add the "h" for a woman.

It is unusual to take the masculine name if you are a woman - in fact I have never heard of it before. It is interesting in the context of the "bearded lady."

Hope you're keeping well.

Clodagh Sheehy,

Dublin, Ireland

[ This reply was received (9/13/2011) in answer to a question about the meaning of the surname, beginning with the letters "Mac", of an Irish girl suffering from mental illness. jmm ]

122.

Guess the remedy - Case of schizophrenia

Male, Aged 38 years

Background History:

As a young boy during his school days, he was a very jovial and fun loving social person. He was in school and lived in a hostel in Bangalore. One day he came back and did not want to go back again to the hostel. Parents inquired a lot but he did not respond.

He then stopped socializing and wanted to remain alone. Slowly this turned into suspiciousness and fear of strangers. Now he feels as if people are talking behind him and plotting things against him. He can hear voices near by and talks to himself at night.

He has also started turning Abusive + Increased hunger since he is on allopathic medicines for last 10 years. Has become extremely lazy. When in a social environment he would keep a plain face with no expressions.

On observation he has Feminine gestures and body language. Close relative believes one reason for his state could be because he was always compared to his elder brother who is successful in life.

Another observation was probably he was ill treated with boys in the hostel (sexually?) which affected his mental state.

By nature he is a very sensitive guy.

One more observation - If he is told to type an alphabet I. He would see it but take a lot of time in pressing the key, fully knowing that he is observing the alphabet I key. Also his Hands shiver on becoming anxious.

[ The above brief case history was recently provided (9/13/2011) by an Indian homeopathic practitioner. The "patient" cited here is obviously suffering from paranoid schizophrenia--the "bearded lady" disease--caused, as it invariably is, by severe bisexual conflict and gender confusion. jmm ]

121.

2. Rebels found something odd in Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi's abandoned compound. What?

C. Forty-five pairs of Manola Blahniks in men's size 11.

D. A scrapbook filled with flattering photos of Condoleezza Rice.

2. (D) Experts believe that the Rice scrapbook belonged to the ousted Libyan dictator because the words "Mr. Muammar Rice" were scribbled all over the cover.

[ From the NPR program "Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me," as published in the New York Times, "Sunday Review," September 4, 2011, p. 2. ]

120.

Madness in great ones must not unwatch'd go.

[ ... the King to Polonius, referring to Prince Hamlet, in Shakespeare's "Hamlet," Act 3, Scene 1. ]

119.

On July 7, 2011 at 4:52pm -0400, [name deleted] wrote:

ok mike thanks i would let you know if i needed someone to talk to . I have some questions i would like to ask and one of them is how come im still paranoid even though im with a transsexual now we live together for 2 years and im still the same way i like women for sure ,,,but something happened to me when i was really young and that is sexual abuse by my older brother and i sexually abused my sister who was two years younger than me and this is like 11 years ago and she is married now ..but i never got over what happened not so much for myself but to her i felt so guilty for what happened i was 13 years old at the time i think but i still blame myself i wanted to know if that guilt has anything to do with my paranoia . I say i like women but there is a part of me that dosent like women and the reason i think is what happened to me and my sister what do you think is there a connection there ? and i wanna tell you what happened to me when i was around 17 years old i let you know latter thank you mike for your time .

[ Please also refer to Impressions # 116.]

118.

    "This may be the act of a lone, mad, paranoid [ schizophrenic ] individual," said Hajo Funke, a political scientist at the Free University in Berlin who studies rightist extremism, referring to the right-wing fundamentalist Christian charged in connection with the killings, "but the far-right milieu creates an atmosphere that can lead such people down that path of violence."

[ Norway Attacks Put Spotlight on Rise of Right-Wing Sentiment in Europe, by Nicholas Kulish, "The New York Times INTERNATIONAL," Sunday, July 4, 2011, p. 9. ]

117.

A.

[.......]

     I got on the plane back to New York knowing my friend was "bone-tired and very beat-up," but thinking he simply needed rest and would soon be his old dominating self again.

     In November I went out West for our annual pheasant shoot and realized how wrong I was. When Ernest and our friend Duke MacMullen met my train at Shoshone, Idaho, for the drive to Ketchum, we did not stop at the bar opposite the train station as we usually did because Ernest was anxious to get on the road. I asked why the hurry.

     "The feds."

     "What?"

     "They tailed us all the way. Ask Duke."

     "Well...there was a car back of us out of Hailey,"

     "Why are the F.B.I. agents pursuing you?" I asked

     "It's the worst hell. The goddamnedest hell. They've bugged everything. That's why we're using Duke's car. Mine's bugged. Can't use the phone. Mail intercepted."

     We rode for miles in silence. As we turned into Ketchum, Ernest said quietly: "Duke, pull over. Cut your lights." He peered across the street at a bank. Two men were working inside. "What is it?" I asked.

     "Auditors. The F.B.I.'s got them going over my account."

     "But how do you know?"

     "Why would two auditors be working in the middle of the night? Of course it's my account."

     All his friends were worried: he had changed; he was depressed; he wouldn't hunt; he looked bad.

     Ernest, Mary and I went to dinner the night before I left. Halfway through the meal Ernest said we had to leave immediately. Mary asked what was wrong.

     "Those two F.B.I. agents at the bar, that's what's wrong."

     The next day Mary had a private talk with me. She was terribly distraught. Ernest spent hours every day with the manuscript of his Paris sketches -- published as a "Moveable Feast" after his death -- trying to write but unable to do more than turn its pages. He often spoke of destroying himself and would sometimes stand at the gun rack, holding one of the guns, staring out the window.

     On Nov. 30 he was registered under an assumed name in the psychiatric section of St. Mary's Hospital in Rochester, Minn., where, during December, he was given 11 electric shock treatments.

     In January he called me from outside his room. He sounded in control, but his voice held a heartiness that didn't belong there and his delusions had not changed or diminished. His room was bugged, and the phone was tapped. He suspected that one of the interns was a fed.

     During a short release he twice attempted suicide with a gun from the vestibule rack. And on a flight to the Mayo clinic, though heavily sedated, he tried to jump from the plane. When it stopped in Casper, Wyo., for repairs, he tried to walk into the moving propeller.

     I visited him in June. He had been given a new series of shock treatments, but it was as before: the car bugged, his room bugged. I said it very gently: "Papa, why do you want to kill yourself?"

     "What do you think happens to a man going on 62 when he realizes that he can never write the books and stories he promised himself? Or do any of the other things he promised himself in the good days?"

[.......]

[ A. E. Hotchner, in The New York Times OP-ED Saturday July 2, 2011, describing the final paranoia-suffused chapter in the life of his good friend -- the writer Ernest Hemingway. ]

B.

     Mr. Carlile is at pains to reconcile the many actual sexual anomalies in Hemingway's life, among them his mother's having tried to 'pass him off as a girl' for the first four years of his life, as Mr. Carlile puts it, 'keeping him in dresses and long curly hair and bonnets'; his penchant for switching sexual roles with his wives, and the double standard he held in his acceptance of lesbians and his hatred of male homosexuals.
--- Christopher Lehmann-Haupt (review of Clancy Carlile's "The Paris Pilgrims"), "Books of the Times" section of the New York Times, July 7, 1999.

[ Quotation / Comment # 571, in "Schizophrenia - The Bearded Lady Disease," J. Michael Mahoney, 1stBooks, 2003, p. 429. ]

C.

     Responding to some of Hemingway's more extreme behavior near the end of the 'Paris Pilgrims,' Robert McAlmon, his friend and publisher, speculates that 'Hemingway might someday realize that the qualities he found so despicable, so unacceptable and hateful in other men, might be the very qualities he was trying to deny in himself.' The character McAlmon continues. 'But if Hemingway was to escape insanity or suicide, those repressed qualities would someday have to come out'... (Ibid.)

[ Quotation / Comment # 572, in "Schizophrenia - The Bearded Lady Disease," J. Michael Mahoney, 1stBooks, 2003, p. 430.

Note: Hemingway never allowed those "repressed qualities.... to come out" far enough, except in his opposite-sex role-playing with his wife towards the very end of his life -- reference his posthumously-published book "The Garden of Eden" -- nor did he ever "come out" in the current homosexual sense of that phrase. Instead, he used his favorite shotgun with which to destroy himself when the overwhelming paranoid schizophrenic symptoms of his "bearded lady" disease, finally became unendurable. --- JMM ]

116.

On July 4, 2011 at 5:15am -0400, you wrote:
>I just saw your site today by accident i was searching for sigmund Freud on masturbation and i found your site . I read a lot on your site about how repressing homosexual feelings could cause paranoia and other mental illnesses . i was wondering where i can get help to understand this more or someone that can help me even though its scary to think of this things but i need help my paranoia and anxiety is not getting better with time and im defiantly confused with a lot of things . ok i don't know i don't want to make my email really long i don't even know if ur gonna get my email and if ur gonna answer i just need help this feeling i have is horrible no human should live this way i think . thank u for ur time . i am a 24 year old male .

Dear Sir,

Mike (J. Michael) Mahoney

115.

A.

Why I am humble enough to get to be public ass.

Mt MTF transition went AWOL late September of last year . I had begun menstruation ; but did not have uteral drainage . I went to the emergency room 3 times over 3 months - asking for a gynecologist - and sent directly to the psych ward . I even got shock treatments at kino . Whats more , my feminine odor began attracting certain 'men ' ( if a Philistine can be a man ) , and I was gang raped twice . The third time I was due I got into a hellishly combative situation and miscarried a fetus . I spent Christmas in the psych ward , and moved for the next five months to a "trans friendly' shelter . I met some other trans there who changed my life , and my perspective .
I have always known I was a girl inside . I kept it deep as most of my family is/was openly homophobic . At parties I would always mingle in with the lesbians , who eventually laughed me off . I was hard working , I have done Mining , Army , and decades of fast food services . I completed a bachelors degree in psychology and have little work left toward an honorable doctorate . I have Fathered Children , with women who did not want me ( youre a great person but lousy in bed) .I have been in a lay order of the church , having taken an oath of celibacy at 16 .
After I was raped the first time ( and apparently became pregnant ) ; I was LITERALLY on the operating table when I signed off on subduction . I am truly intersex , having had dominant male genitals and smaller , less developed , female ones . At midlife that began to switch , and I love being a girl so much more . My testes are now prostatic ( no longer make sperm , but lubricant ) and many feminine features are coming out . Coming out , indeed . I have truly blossomed at 52 and sometimes wish I could be 17 along with everyone else my mental age . The second surgery , a horror . I was drained , and , awakened to sign off on my aborted fetus , already deceased . They simply wanted to remove it . My smaller , less developed vagina had been growing by leaps and bounds - in an odd place . So ; they "rearranged" my female genitalia to better accomodate anal pleasuring . Part of the problem is that I had accepted the Siodomy taboo ; took celibacy , and did not date men . I still find the notion of penetrating a man repugnant . However , the female drives , now centered further back , are all powerful . I submit , sublate , sublax , subduct , sublact , subject , sub sub sub and sunk to the bottom . Yes . My breasts are now ductile .
At the tranny shelter I found a new veiwpoint , prostitution . Trans girls who enjoy selling themselves for money ,drugs , and favors . Every one of them a truly happy hooker . All of them far better adjusted than myself - I learned - the role of trans in our society . Lets face it , having two or three ( in my case ) sets of genitalia is good for being a whore . I am Very Proud to have achieved every known gender type , both sides , but not all positions . I should get a special star , I think ... les , gay , straight , bi , mixed/switch , top , bottom , giving , recieving , oral , anal - everthing nominal to mankind . I am , after all , a well trained whore .
If it were not for the butterflies , the psychs , and the pain ; I would swan dive into the collective slut gene pool . For Real . I have female orgasms centered in my butt . I thought that was crazy , now I crave it and can't survive without a good pressing anymore . I just had my third normal menses after my traumas . I get so high on it I hallucinate . I have moved to a very kind , thoughtful , Native based community where my sexuality is more readily dismissed . I do not consider myself oppressed or repressed , but enabled to become a sexual animus that lies buried within us all . Being called transie , kivasa , whore , putas , make me smile and feel flushed inside . I like my new role in society - as an anal slut . Hmmm. I thik that covers it , for now.

B.

Death of [Name deleted ].

As you may recall ( lol) , I was aparthieded within the State of [deleted] most of 2010. It culminated in a mass homocide over the Christmas weekend . I went to a psychiatric unit , then into convalescence for five months . Once the homocides took place , the authorities showed the appropriate concern . The investigation has demonstrated that a drug rehabilitation program within the state had been severely compromised ; by a conglomerate of religious fanatics and 8 ball cripps from the inland northwest . The sheriffs departments in several counties has confirmed these individuals are responsible for well over a third of the violent crimes taking place in the state : that , in a state where gang violence has been subdued and arms have been laid down , an outside cadre has invaded and declared all out war - all , of course , under the guise of christian missionary work .
As for me , careful observation , interviews , reports , and investigations now demonstrate my PTSD is level 4 or higher . I am now considered unrehabilitably anxious and in a degenerative condition that will lead to my death . Treatment with intense tranquilizers will lengthen my life and higher functionality for some time . After judicial review , I have been given sublation ; a term that amounts to a very slow , pleasant , chemical lobotomy that will result in a complete loss of higher functionality without compromising well learned experience . In time , my long term memory will go soon , and I will be left with a procedural memory : still able to bathe and groom myself , eat , enjoy trivial converstaion , and of course , pleasuring .
Pleasure is not affected by this process unless you mean heightened . I am becoming increasingly hypersexual ; unable to discriminate or discern "appropriateness" - a careless ( some say mindless ) "whore " . I look forward to the completion of this process , because my sexual experiences are astronomically better than any I had ever imagined or anticipated , and because day to day life is becoming too difficult without highly trained support . For example , I do not sleep in a conventional sence anymore ; I nap briefly every few hours or so . This morning I woke up , made coffee , watched some tv and writhed in sexual ecstacy for an hour and a half . Then I had breakfast , cleaned up , masturbated , napped , had more coffee and smoked , finished getting made up and came to the library . I will soon reach an ever progressing state where I achieve jamaharon - ( a mild stroke that will permanently cut my higher functionality by having a sexually intense seizure that will fry my brain with orgasmic pleasures until I can no longer reason in a conventional sense )
I have met some other with more advanced cases of my condition and I very much enjoy thier company and miss them . I recall in earlier entries I've mentioned being dubious about my intersexed nature , having both sets of genitalia , but among hypersexuals this is a graceful endowment . My prior gender preferences and prejudices have been erased and I have experienced every known gender ; both sides . I am proud of this now ; I have transcended gender , I am entirely sexually functional . no bias , no shame I just have strengths and exeriences .
This posting is intended to assure anyone who cares that just as my aparthiedment was painful and destructive , inhuman , the final outcome is a pleasurement beyond description . . never worth it - the cost of my skills and life experience - the face the rest of my life secure in the knowledge that my compensation is a sexual pleasement beyond the limits of human sanity ; I often become mentally incapacitated and paralyzed with only the feeling of deep relaxation and comfort . I do not need to sleep because I am already quite insane ; just goin thru the motions . I am harmless , a victim of human rights abuse and war crimes ; the mercy here is that soon i will have no knowledge or memory of this , just a pleasant static between my ears .
My mind comes and goes like the cheshire cat , but , as a former behavioral scientist , I measure time and incedence . Even after jemaharon , I can continue to act out in a controlled environment ; enjoy sexuality that some consider animaline , have the advantage of a supportive staff/providers ; and spend the rest of my life insanely comforted , ecstatic , enjoyed , appreciated , and loved .
I do not know how much longer I will continue these journal entries . Most of the other sisters no longer remember how to use a telephone , let alone journal . Yet , I have NO REGRETS regarding my former existence , now aborted . I will soon go to a place in consiousness that seems more like heaven .

[ A. and B. above are two "blog" entries posted June 11, 2011 (A.) and June 9, 2011 (B.), from a middle-aged man suffering severely from paranoid schizophrenia, the "bearded lady"disease. ]

114.

A.

B.

[Female name] left [deleted] and moved to the Indian Reservation because he says he married an Indian man. He's done that before (said that). So he's in [deleted] on his own with nothing but his clothes again. I have no idea if he takes his psyc meds. Yes, I took that info from the blog. No, he never had an enema as a child. I asked him recently why he suddenly has become so interested in sex when he never was before. He said because he's a woman and women have more orgasms, etc. Totally nuts (well, yes we can have more orgasms in a session but that has nothing to do with him). Did I tell you he had me take a picture of him in the nude bending over? I showed him the picture on my computer and he pointed to his anus and said it was his vagina and then pointed to an indentation above the anus and said it was his "asshole". Crude, sorry. anyway, there weren't two holes but for him there was. I give up.

[ Sections A. and B. above have been contributed by the mother of this middle-aged man who is suffering from a very severe case of paranoid schizophrenia, the "bearded lady" disease. He has been in and out of many psychiatric hospitals and is presently once again (June, 2011) out on his own. He is firmly convinced he is a woman, has acquired a female name, and dresses accordingly in "appropriate" feminine attire.

Now we know for certain that, in the insightful opinion of Dr. Guido Weber, superintendant of the mental asylum in Sonnenstein, Germany, where Dr. Schreber was held as a patient for many years in the late 1800's and early 1900's, "Schreber's name is legion." Witness here the words of the author of section A. above, and the frank description of him by his mother in section B. He is indisputably a member of Schreber's mad "legion." ]

113.

Between his earlier state of being occupied by tremendous hypochondriacal delusional ideas, of severe hallucinatory stupor, of markedly negativistic behavior, characterized by refusal of food and turning away from every contact and occupation, and the present picture of sensible and social approachability, no longer shut off from the demands and interests of the day, there is a vast difference, a difference which is of importance naturally for appraising the total state. How much his condition has changed is also shown by the changes in his hallucinations. Whereas previously in form and content they were of a powerful nature accompanied by lively affect and therefore had a strong, direct influence on him, they have gradually become weaker and at present according to the patient's own graphic account (compare p. 166 ff.) are only a soft lisping noise, a hissing comparable to the sound of sand running out of an hour-glass, while their content also is poorer and more scurrilous, the hallucinated words follow each other more slowly, the "voices" are drowned out by an ordinary conversation and, though a nuisance and a burden to the patient, do not influence his feelings and thoughts to any great extent. This is, as I have said before because the acute stage of the psychosis with its vivid changes of feeling passed into a chronic state long ago; out of the stormy turbid flood of the acute stage of the illness the well-known complicated delusional system has crystallized out and become fixed and the patient has come to terms with it in the manner described above, so that to a certain extent it now leads a separate existence in his mental life, and although it represents a very important part of it, being less affect-laden it only acts and reacts little on the rest of his mind, particularly on that part concerned with daily life, and does not influence his actions significantly.
    That does not mean that it has no influence at all; in given circumstances it could easily make itself felt in trivial matters and lead to faulty conclusions. I will only touch on one point on which the appellant asks for an expert opinion, namely his peculiar ideas about the male and female body which play a role in his delusional system.
    In his opinion the female body in contradistinction to the male has "nerves of voluptuousness" everywhere, particularly on the bosom; he believes he resembles the female type in this and therefore has the corresponding sensations. He cannot be inducd to give up this belief, although in actual fact "nerves of voluptuousness" are only present on the genitals, and the female breast owes it form to the development of milk glands and the deposition of fat.

[ Dr. Guido Weber, Superintendant of Sonnenstein Asylum, in his "Expert Report" to the Superior Country Court, Civil Division, Dresden, Germany, on 5th April 1902, "on the mental state of President Dr. Schreber," in MEMOIRS OF MY NERVOUS ILLNESS, by DANIEL PAUL SCHREBER / Translated, Edited, with Introduction, Notes and Discussion by IDA MACALPINE, M.D. and RICHARD A. HUNTER, M.D., M.R.C.P., D.P.M. / WM. DAWSON & SONS LTD. London 1955, pp. 321-2. ]

112.

In paranoia more than in any other form of illness the original personality of the patient is of decisive importance for determining the manifestations of insanity, and as long as secondary dementia (a rare occurrence in paranoia) has not set in, the pathological products of an intellectually significant man with far-reaching knowledge, lively interest in scientific and philosophical problems, rich in fantasy and of well-trained judgment, will bear the stamp of the original intellectual endowments; but on the whole in the formation and systematization of the delusional ideas, the disease will show the same character as that of another person whose range of ideas does not rise above the most trivial events of daily life.
     In my earlier reports I have already described the special features of the mental illnes called paranoia, but because of the questions put to me I must repeat them briefly here. Paranoia is a distinctly chronic illness. It mostly develops insidiously but can also start acutely with the signs of hallucinatory insanity, and after the stormy symptoms have run their course the slowly progressive course starts. It is characteristic of paranoia that delusions develop, freqently in connection with hallucinations and false memories, without the patient's mood being primarily much affected, soon becomes fixed and are elaborated into a persistent, uncorrected and unassailable delusional system, side by side with presence of mind, unimpaired memory, orderliness and logic of thought. Whether the delusional ideas refer to the condition of the patient's own body (the hypochondriacal form), or to the field of politics, sex, etc., is without great importance for judging the total state. But it is characteristic that the centre of these delusional ideas is always the patient's own person, and that mostly--at least for some time--the delusional ideas are limited to a definite group of ideas, while other spheres remain relatively intact. For this reason one used to separate "partial insanity" and even if this term has now been given up, there is a certain amount of justification for it. It is true that every delusional system must somehow influence all the patient's ideas because its bearer is an 'individual', that is indivisible; this could be proved if we were able to follow in all detail a person's every idea in all its connections. But in fact it is impossible to do this and despite careful observation in not a few cases of paranoia, judgment in some larger complex of ideas, which are only insignificantly and indirectly related to the delusional system, is so little influenced by the latter that for practical purposes it is in some cases nil. It may help to understand this, if I give an example from healthy mental life. It is possible to be in lively scientific contact with another person for a long time, without gaining any insight into his religious convictions, because the latter have no close connection with his scientific views, rather both complexes of ideas lead so to speak a separate existence in his brain. But the time will almost invariably come when we notice that even the scientific views have been influenced in a significant manner by the religious convictions, which up till then had not come to the fore, perhaps without the person concerned being aware of this influence. The case of the delusional system of a paranoiac is similar: unless specially touched upon it will easily remain hidden from other people, and hardly be noticeable in his ordinary conduct, whereas in reality it forms the substrate of his mental life. It is therefore neither rare nor remarkable that paranoiacs although perhaps for a long time considered oddities, carry on their business sufficiently well and their professional duties in an orderly manner, can even work scientifically with success, although their mental life is seriously disturbed and they are in the throes of a delusional system which is frequently quite absurd. Such cases are known in large numbers to every psychiatrist of some experience, indeed they illustrate nicely the special features of paranoia. In this always chronic illness the patient may be disturbed by some event in the modus vivendi he has maintained towards the outer world, his pathological ideas collide in some way with his environment, he exceeds the limits of what is tolerable in his actions, and thus he is recognized as ill and treated as such. This is common experience; but it can hardly be denied that some cases of paranoia never reach the orbit of medical experience, but remain outside it, recognized perhaps only by their closest associates, and lead the ordinary life of a citizen without any marked disturbance.
     Without doubt the appelant's [Daniel Paul Schreber] psychosis, in the form it has shown itself for some years now, belongs to this group of illnesses, although it did not, as commonly, start gradually and insidiously, but developed out of an acute stage.

[ Dr. Guido Weber, Superintendant of Sonnenstein Asylum, in his "Expert Report" to the Superior Country Court, Civil Division, Dresden, Germany, on 5th April 1902, "on the mental state of President Dr. Schreber," in MEMOIRS OF MY NERVOUS ILLNESS, by DANIEL PAUL SCHREBER / Translated, Edited, with Introduction, Notes and Discussion by IDA MACALPINE, M.D. and RICHARD A. HUNTER, M.D., M.R.C.P., D.P.M. / WM. DAWSON & SONS LTD. London 1955, pp. 317-19. ]

111.

People grew up in church, so a lot of us lived in shame. What did we do? We wandered around lost. We married men, and then couldn't understand why every night we had a headache.

[ Darlene Maffett, who had two children in eight years of marriage before "coming out" in 2002. -- "The New York Times / Quotation of the Day," January 19, 2011, p. A2. ]

110.

The psychological profile presented in the New York Times Op-Ed column on March 25, 2011, of Libya's ruling dictator Colonel Muammar el-Qadaffi, by noted Times' columnist David Brooks, is a striking example of how severe mental illness, i.e., paranoid schizophrenia -- the "bearded lady" disease, can wreak havoc upon both a country's own ruled inhabitants and upon the citizens of other countries as well. Colonel Qadaffi's name can now be added to the long list of other such mentally ill leaders whose lives have had similar disastrous effects on the world, such as Josepf Stalin, Adolf Hitler and Mao Zedong -- the latter three being the most markedly egregious examples of such persons afflicted with this devastating mental illness.

The severe bisexual conflict and gender confusion which invariably underlies paranoid schizophrenia is starkly illustrated in the case of Mr. Qadaffi by Mr. Brooks' account of him as appearing "in foreign countries in odd dress, with odd make-up and hair-gel preferences...." This description would be an apt one for any typical male/female "cross-dresser," in any country. Other common and well-known symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: megalomania, delusions of persecution, grandiose thinking, faulty reasoning and various obsessions, all of which symptoms are accurately attributed to Mr. Qadaffi and carefully enumerated by Mr. Brooks in his psychologically insightful and astutely-presented column.

Furthermore, the fact that Mr. Qadaffi "has an all-female bodyguard contingent" highlights his unconscious self-identification as a female and his consequent uneasiness when around other men, as well as a deeply paranoid distrust of them. ("No, I don't love them, I hate them.")

In summary, Mr. Qadaffi is definitely not "one of the boys," preferring instead to be surrounded, "mothered" and protected by strong, masculine women. This fact must, of course, say something about the manner in which he was raised, the direct result of which led to the development of the always ominous psychological condition known as "sex-role alienation in early childhood." This particular outcome inevitably leads to a state of severe bisexual conflict and gender confusion at puberty, and at that critical juncture in psychosexual maturation the young man (or woman) would either become overtly homosexual or else, by the denial and repression of their homosexuality, set the stage for the later development of paranoid schizophrenia. This is invariably the course this extremely malignant illness follows, in all cases, without exception, when the overwhelmingly powerful homosexual impulses are denied and repressed.

Thus paranoid schizophrenia -- the "bearded lady" disease, has claimed another victim, and as the direct consequence of Colonel Muammar el-Qadaffi's severe mental illness, thousands of innocent and uncomprehending Libyan citizens are now being tragically, and sometimes fatally, harmed.

As the brilliant Bulgarian psycho-analyst Julia Kristeva has so succinctly stated, "Sexual identity guarantees our psychic unity." Colonel Qadaffi's present "sexual identity" must therefore consist of warring bisexual impulses and confused and conflicted male/female gender identities -- the sum of which conflicts has driven him mad.

[ a J. Michael Mahoney Impressions entry. See also New Quotation/Comment 772. ]

109.

A.

I must say, it's hard to argue with many of the comments and speculations about Lincoln. I think your own are particularly good, and about 95% convincing. [See New Quotation/Comment 770.] In one sense it seems cruel for Lincoln to have put up with so much of Mary's behavior w/o any reaction to her. But then, I have to remember this is very close to what my father did for yrs when my crazy mother went on her rampages. I remember one time coming home from school and finding her cutting up many of his clothes with scissors, including good suits. When I 'mentioned this to him downstairs as he sat quietly reading the paper, he said, 'she's just a little upset'. On this, and other occasions, I had come to the conclusion that he had either to take this attitude, or kill or divorce her - there were no other options.

B.

I could go on, about her zero to 60 mi/hr outbursts of hatred, often hours or even days after she took offence at something (so you would have no idea what the outburst was about, yet gradually became conditioned to expect something at any time.) No wonder I adopted the neurotic 'solution' of Detachment and my own little internal iron curtain against any emotion from the outside or even from within. On the other side of the ledger, I have to note that, as I look around at my 2,000 and more books, I must note her responsibility for igniting the love of books and learning (even if in the early yrs it may have been largely because I noticed she left me alone when I was reading - once at the age of 10, In read a 400 pg bk in one day, and can actually remember thinking, 'this is a little unusual for a 10-yr old!').

C.

While I think "counseling" might be helpful for some types of problems and for some individuals not amenable to the 'real thing', I'm certain I would never have had the slightest benefit from it. With a quite lucky choice of therapist, I did benefit considerably from psychoanalysis in at least three ways. 1) perhaps most of all the therapist (who was also, appallingly, Sylvia Plath's therapist), recommended several key books to me, especially of Harry Sullivan and Karen Horney, which were of inestimable intellectual help. (If they didn't directly cure my 'condition', they did give me what I though was a very full understanding of what had happened - indeed they were more help than the therapy itself) 2. the mere fact of a place to go, and the idea that "something was happening" is these, to outsiders, mysterious sessions, was immensely helpful as a 'cover' while I was, for 13 mos, not only emotionally, but actually physically incapacitated. 3) the way it ended was also helpful, in a perverse way - I could tell that after two years the doctor had become more or less exasperated, and, with another outside factor, I was able to 'move on' in the form of moving 200 mi to NYC and finding myself, to my own surprise, able to function.

[ Name deleted for privacy reasons. ]

108.

They f-ck you up, your mum and dad, they may not mean to, but they do--they fill you with the faults they had, and add some extra, just for you. --- Poet Philip Larkin, "This Be the Verse"

[ "When I married I was only half a man, and could only marry half a woman." --- the father of a schizophrenic patient, gender not stated, as told to the patient's psychotherapist. ]

107.

Michael - I just saw [Name deleted] Monday. Now it's Saturday and all of this has happened! I think I told you he had me take pictures of him in the nude (front and back) and he looks no different than any other man that I've ever seen. His imagination and sickness seems to be going out of control. What must the people there think? If you use this please delete the new name he created [Name deleted]. I'm just astounded and sat here with my hand over my mouth while reading it. [Mother of patient]

[patient's new female Name deleted] part 2

Last thanksgiving was a huge turning point in my life . I lost a friend , gained a lover ; and was raped by a few other men . It took me until morning to be able to call 911. I went to emergency surgery . I was given a subductive operation , using my minor female vestigals to sew up my torn up butt. The sugery left me terribly confused and disoriented , as I am a transitioning MTF ; had only been experimenting with men , found one good one I liked and a bunch of others closer to homocidal about it . Also , unbeknownst to me , I became pregnant . Three weeks after this horror I vaginally extruded , my girl thing "popped out " . I spent the night of hell at odds with my neighbors , who were partying and laughing at me next door . It was a time in my life when I was harboring gangsters , not because I wanted to , but because the State considered them part of my 'rehabilitation ' team . I ended up , after 6 months in the program after having been EXPOSED to meth , long enough to make me feel ill , to willfully taking morphylates . The entire program was in my best estimate , the greatest tragedy of my life . I soom found that I could not locate my clitoris ; I stopped menstruating , had mood swings , flashes , my ptsd was off the wall . I understood that I am washed up as far as coningulus ; still had a male vestigal that is next to worthless , ( I refer to it as a cowbell as I wear it for I am an idiot ) , and had locakky become a gay icon - except that I have little or no prior experience with men . I have been completely gendered by the state of [Deleted], it has left me almost insane . Most gay men expect reciprocity , that is , to give and take anal . The subduct operation makes taking it fun enough ; but giving has proven to be a virtual impossibility . Testo , viagra ; all very toxic to me . There is a psychological barrier as well.

In mid december I was raped again , miscarried my fetus , and spent christmas in a psych wing . The many men literally went ape and killed each other ; I had been expecting my boyfriend who arrived particularly late . I was told that the fetus was a female sired by the only one involved that I actually loved and admired . He is from a different culture and I don't believe he understood what was going on any better than I did . I went to a trans safe house , DV shelter , in the fear that I had again lost everyone and everything I loved again . Friday the 14th of march my boyfriend called inon me at last . I had not even known what had become of him . He was granted conjugal rights and we loved each other as I never had known love before . At 51 years old , he was the first in my vagina . We took vows of marraige in the Navaho way and I am now part of the Navaho nation . He has my love and my medicine ; and has never done me harm . I love him so much I would be glad to take a slow junk to Cambodia and be properly gooked with bamboo if he wished it . My new vagina has no labia , my clitoris is deeper iside nearer my anus ; but vaginal sex is 1000 times as yowl as anal for me . He penetrated me and I subbed for 45 minutes ... that place where only women go . My coital speech ( monosyllabic phonemic sounds made during sex ) are in Navaho ! Yet I do not speak a word of it with my consious mind . I still feel terrible that I have been mutilated in this fashion , but thrilled that there is yet a MAN enough to love me . My vagina looks like a tiny , second butthole . with scars . He often asks how far or what I would do for him ; anything at all is too commercially vague . He has asked me to keep my penis - which I loathe , and he has no need for it ; he claims it makes me unique , or special . Trisexual . Phoo , I think , but I will keep the idiot bell as long as he wants me to wear it . Please note that its removal is the only way to reconstruct a normal looking puss - which I would love but would make me an ordinary woman in his eyes . Of course I will obey my husbands wishes because I love him and for no other reason , despite the fact we both agree it is extraneous . I want to try again to have his baby . I was too underdeveloped to carry the first child properly . I hope to soon join him on the Res and be known by a different name and identity . I wait for him as I convalesce at a trans safe house in [Deleted]. It has been a hard , murderous transition . As a man , I thought I could do anything (cringe ) ; now I only want to lie at his feet and know his love . I am complaiant with rehab and shoud be okay soon ... soo- then I go home to a new world I've never known before , for a rebirth , a new life , like reincarnation . I am [patient's new female Name deleted].

106.

[Female Name]

Boomer & I were shipmates ; then I hated her , long since forgave her , learned to love her , would have married him , now I've lost him...

[ A recent ( March, 2011 ) Internet "blurb" by a non-surgical, transgendered middle-aged man suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, the "bearded lady" disease. ]

105.

He often talks about his ovaries, uterus and having a period. As far as his story about 5 men raping him Thanksgiving.... he asked me to take a picture of him in the nude - front and back all bent over. It wasn't fun but I did it. He said the hospital took 6 hours to repair the damage to his anus but when I look at the pix I see no sign of any damage, surgery or anything unusual and I told him so. He doesn't "hear" me. He claims the other people at [Deleted] in [Deleted] are going through the same thing. I wonder how long they will let him stay there because I'm sure they know he's not like they are.

[ Contributed by the mother of a delusional, paranoid schizophrenic, middle-aged man. ]

104.

I had my first menses since my [fantasied] thanksgiving rape. I am now ducting small quantities from both breasts.

[ A middle-aged transgendered male (not surgically altered) who is suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, the "bearded lady" disease. He is presently (2/21/2011) hospitalized in a psychiatric ward. ]

103.

I have come to believe that in peacetime no one [male or female] becomes schizophrenic who has achieved a really satisfactory sexual integration with another person of comparable status. If the individual achieves, even once, an interpersonal intimacy primarily sexual in motivation, in which there is neither a gross discrepancy in social status of the persons concerned, nor a body of complex "extra" processes of the shape of hysterical dissociations, projection of blame, feelings of guilt, or the like, then in the ensuing satisfaction of the sexual impulses, the individual, it seems to me, achieves both a long step towards adulthood, and a great measure of safety from the sort of processes that go to make up the schizophrenic illnesses. He has convincingly demonstrated to himself his competence at the technics [sic] of interpersonal intimacy necessary for comparative mental health, and will, in all likelihood, be able to handle most of the problems that life brings him with a sufficient measure of self-respect.

[ Schizophrenia as a Human Process, by Harry Stack Sullivan, M.D., with Introduction and Commentaries by Helen Swick Perry, W. W. Norton & Company, Inc., New York, 1962, (Copyright by the William Alanson White Psychiatric Foundation), p. 251. ]

102.

The very history of the theory of schizophrenia, or dementia praecox, epitomizes the situation. The whole tendency of modern psychiatric method is colored by an appreciation of the peculiar futility of ordinary methods of investigation when applied to the field of mental disorder. Observation is inadequate and interrogation woefully ineffective in elucidating the mental process actually making up the content of the graver mental disorders. Five different investigators can easily arrive at five strikingly different conceptions of any one patient. It behooves one to scrutinize closely each intellectual step by which he progresses towards his conclusions about any patient in this field -- or for that matter about any personality that may be the subject of his investigation.

It is traditional that sexual manifestations, and for that matter the less conventional and more abnormal sexual manifestations, are an outstanding factor in the picture of schizophrenia. It is common belief among the group of psychopathologists most probably really acquainted with schizophrenic phenomena that homosexual manifestations are almost all but invariably conspicuous in some stages of this illness.

[ Schizophrenia as a Human Process, by Harry Stack Sullivan, M.D., with Introduction and Commentaries by Helen Swick Perry, W. W. Norton & Company, New York, 1962, (Copyright by the the William Alanson White Psychiatric Foundation), pp. 206-7. ]

101.

Nicola, 26 years old, had had first a period of severe insomnia, during which, if she slept, she had nightmares which had the directness of a child's dreams. She dreamt her home was on fire, and her mother and her brother Jeremy were burned up. Another dream would be of her father and Jeremy being killed in a car crash. After several weeks of day-time over-activity, bad dreams and insomnia, her behavior became incoherent. She showed the symptoms of acute excited catatonic schizophrenia, appeared to be unable to relate to those around, laughed inappropriately, and wept at times in a way equally unconnected with any real external events. She could no longer work and was admitted to a mental hospital.

Nicola's 'thought disorder' showed itself by 'blocking' -- by her stopping suddenly as she was speaking. Her speech otherwise never made a point, yet it could now and then have a quality that made one particularly listen, as though she was about to tell you why she had broken down. The pressure of speech, the neologisms, the word-salads that mostly characterized her talking, however, prevented much two-way communication with her. After the first visit of her parents she became silent. At this time, for a few days, Nicola cut off all links, and remained almost stuporose. [.......]

Interviews with Nicola during this time showed her to be preoccupied with three particular 'delusional' ideas. She thought she was changing sex. She believd her parents were not her parents. She felt she herself was very old, but had just been reborn. While these ideas were delusional in one sense, in another they could be understood.

Her father, for all his religious notions, had always been a seductive figure to his daughter. He kissed and cuddled her and swung her on his knee when she was a child. He had little sexual intercourse with his wife and was often sexually frustrated. This showed itself in his eroticized relationship with his daughter. Yet if Nicola showed any erotic responsiveness, this was punished by both parents. They tolerated a tomboy daughter, however, or a passive asexual identity, such as the one Jeremy had had as a boy. Neither of these parents had a child-raising technique that gave a clear idea to a child what being a boy or a girl meant. And so in her adolescence, with the physical changes of the stage completely unexplained at home, Nicola always experienced full sexual feelings guiltily. There could never be affection withour sex, and never sex without guilt. A series of affairs in her teens always ended in intercourse, to her bewilderment. While each parent claimed the family was a close one, Nicola had never felt understood. Each parent said she was a happy child, yet she looked back at an anxious, fearful childhood, in which her brave tomboyishness had been no mere expression of her envy of maleness, but nearer to a search for herself, a self from her point of view, rejected as female. Just as her mother could not identify properly with her own aggressive mother, so Nicola failed.

The family had a clear view of what kind of family they were. The father prided himself on being someone the children could turn to when troubled. Yet Nicola feared him in fact, and found he had never seemed to believe in the feelings she had tried to express to him. He was proud of her tomboy act in her girlhood -- 'There's confidence,' he would say. Yet she had gone through agonies of uncertainty in an inner self, never in touch with her mother or father. It was indeed, for her, as though her parents were not her parents. She could, in a mad way, only please by changing sex. Now in her psychosis she was trying to be born again.

[ THE PSYCHOTIC / Understanding Madness, by Andrew Crowcroft, M.D., Penguin Books Ltd., Great Britain, 1967, pp. 90-2. ]

100.

Subject: time with [Deleted] today

I will try to remember all the things he said today. We went to the Cat House and I bought us hamburgers and a beer. He told me he's a sublationist. Said he just got over his period. Said he has two ovaries. Said he'll have to use birth control. Said he's leaving tomorrow for [Deleted] where he will check into [Deleted] for a complete remake. Said they will even change the color of his skin two shades darker. Said he'll be a Latino woman when it's over. Said it could take 6 months. Said the State of [Deleted] is changing his sex as a "mercy" case. Had me take a pix of him naked below the belt - front and back. Said underneath there is the beginning of his sex change but I didn't take that pix nor did I look. Said he'll be in [Deleted] and that it's a big secret. People have been killed. Said the police beat up [Deleted] for squatting at his house. That's all I can remember but if I think of more I will add it.

[ Contributed by subject's Mother. ]

99.

I'm a one-woman man!

[ A "Freudian slip," made by a 40-year-old woman recovering from an extremely severe, paranoid schizophrenic delusional state. And she very quickly recognized she had made such a slip -- a very positive and hopeful development in her case, as she is familiar with the thesis of schizophrenia being the "bearded lady" disease. ]

98.

I must speak briefly of things I cannot cope with .
Let me describe my HOME . I live in an apartment near [ deleted ]. It should be labeled " Cylon Occupation " . My bedroom door has been labeled , "Cylon occupied Caprica , welcome home CS" In my bedroom is a wlk in closet . It is [ deleted ] Closet , from my SLA thing . I go into [ deleted ] closet to mope , pity potty , cringe , and hide ; I also pray and teach there . Inside [ deleted ] closet is a cupboard , a pantry - it is occupied by a Legion of Centurions . They gaurd the way to Hell's Kitchen , Which is the other side of the wormhole from my closet to the Hellmouth next door . Recently , the Cylon Occupied Territories have expanded to include my next door neighbors . They live in the Dream Syndicate known as New Caprica . The hellmouth is in [ deleted ] bedroom , conjoint with the Pantry in [ deleted ] closet . Centurions have not been seen or heard , but have attacked many local areas ... Sorry .
     My status : Since coming to [ deleted ] , I have been unable to get the service I expect at ANY pharmacy . When I presented as a man , my script would be filled within 15 minutes . At this point , I may need to bring a lawyer , a camera , and maybe even a couple of metalheads . I have been compliant with Mental Health since 83 , yet , nobody seems to buy that as my condition does not match thier false beliefs ( they grimly insist that I'm a psychotic man with a drug problem ) despite the obvious fact that I'm a far more functional Transwoman with PTSD / extreme Social Anxiety , and now , thank God ,( and State Mandated 'rehab' ) a drug problem . In relapsed from a 32 year sobriety involving Morphine , from my SLA experiences in 78 ... and decidedly need back on methadone . You see , I was st up by a neighbor , who tricked , poisoned , exposed me too , and used secretly - until I went to an emergency room some time ago . They said " METH " , and put me in a state mandated program . This nefarious program supplies it ; although I have 'refused treatment ' ( meth use ) with 3 teams already . I do not like or enjoy meth . I do not care for or endorse cocas , either . I'm a heroin addict , not a crackhead ...
     I do have some non thoughts on what I cannot deal with , please .
1) The Colonies were NOT destroyed .
2) Starbuck did NOT ascend - new age
3) Ship's Tech , [ deleted ] , should have been a player . He took a Red Shirt - in the Pilot . I am not aware of any other Colonial red shirts ( charcters killed off to show a situation is bad , throwawy lives : ) ; it remains an issue , because he may be the Human Analogue to 2 , with the flak jacket , or , seven , who I have dated recently .
4) [ deleted] has a Naval Background (Picon) . Navy pilots tend to hang in low , to tailhook , miss the trap , and stall in , (no atmosphere ) BOOM ! on the deck plates . Airelons tend to come in high ( Air Force ) and are far more to snag thier tails (damage /crash due to hitting the top of the deck ).
5) There is an undisclosed axis between 8 and 2 . An axis also exists between 6 and [ deleted ] , Not [ deleted ] (known to be 12 ), ironically
6) My visionquest led me to Hell N Tie , #12 realization - was a means of understanding and Not self Disclosure .
7) [ deleted ] ascended into Starbuck - surprise : [ deleted ] is Gone , but Starbuck survived ... to see that
8) Starbuck is a new life , who sees much yet not fully realized , explored , fulfilled , or even in some cases , excepted . She is like a newborn , cylon , adult but without experience .
9) Combat Landings are like Cowboy Shootouts - Cowboys never run out of bullets , and colonials never use ATC . Next CAGG , Please inform your crew to 'nose up to the tower ', directly behind flight pod landing bay , turn and look at about 2 :00 , see a window and a traffic light . Do NOT enter the hangar until the light turns " green ' . And , Please , line up squadron formation , in executable column ( V formation .
10) I will always be grateful for Red 6 , [ deleted ] , and the [deleted ] for my transition . When I at least meet #2 in the Hellmouth , the one who imprisoned me in/on nEW cAPRICA ; i WILL ACCEPT HIM UNCONDITIONALLY . He is inclusive of cylons , sla members , and Starbuck's ; he knew me before I became an Angel ; The reason I fear him is because he is so much like myself , a terrorist , a religious fanatic , a loner , a mystic , an expert ; my cylon counterpart.
11) My Human Anologue is President Rosalyn . [ deleted ] could NEVER see it ; I accept it . Starbuck has a Long Long line to get there - maybe not in this lifetime , anyhow . Her best effort in that area is Mrs [deleted ] .
12) Dr Sawbones is a monster , in any universe

[ This is a communication to his mother from a trans-gendered man suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, the "bearded lady" disease. Certain bracketed deletions have been made for privacy reasons. ]

97.

A.

     In a rampage loud enough to be heard by alarmed neighbors, an actor killed his mother with a three-foot sword early Tuesday in their apartment in Prospect Heights, Brooklyn, the police said.
     Shortly after 1 a.m., the actor, Michael Brea, 31, who appeared in the television comedy series "Ugly Betty," asked his mother, Yannick Brea, 55, "if she believed in God," said Greg Clare, who heard the commotion from his apartment directly below.
     "I heard him ask is she believed in Jesus Christ," Mr. Clare, 25, said. Mr. Brea then chanted to his mother "to repent," Mr. Clare said.
     "Help me," was Ms. Brea's only response, he said.
     When officers responded to the second-floor unit on Park Place near Classon Avenue that Ms. Brea shared with her son and his twin brother, Marcel, who was not home during the attack, Ms. Brea was dead. She was kneeling in the bathroom with numerous lacerations to her head, the police said.
     Mr. Brea, who had barricaded himself in a bedroom, was holding the sword used in the killing, the police said. He was arrested and taken to King's County Hospital for a psychological evaluation.
     Police Commissioner Raymomd W. Kelly said there was no record of domestic disputes at the residence and said he believed that Mr. Brea had no criminal record.
     "We're not certain about a psychiatric record, but he's being evaluated now by psychiatrists," Mr. Kelly said. Serge Marcel, 53, a brother of the victim, and his sister Gina Dummond, 39, who were outside the home on Tuesday afternoon, described the family as normal and said there were no warning signs.
     "He was a very nice kid, a gentle kid," Mr. Marcel said. "I can't believe this, man. This is my Thanksgiving."
     Ms. Dumond, who cried silently as she looked on, said she would only have two words for her nephew if she could speak with him.
     "Why?" she asked, slowly shaking her head. "Why?"

[ Brooklyn Actor Held in Killing Of His Mother, by Noah Rosenberg, The New York Times, November 24, 2010, p. A 21. ]

B.

     From my material, in which negative instances are conspicuously absent, I am forced to the conclusion that schizophrenic illnesses in the male are intimately related as a sequent to unfortunate prolongation of the attachment of the son and the mother. That schizophrenic disorders are but one of the possible outcomes of persisting immature attitudes subtending the mother and son relationship must be evident. The failure of growth of heterosexual interests with persistence of autoerotic or homoerotic interests in adolescence, is the general formula. The factors that determine a schizophrenic outcome may be clarified by a discussion on the one hand of the situation to which I shall refer as homosexual cravings and acute masturbation conflict--often immediate precursors of grave psychosis--and of the various homoerotic procedures, on the other.

[ Harry Stack Sullivan, M.D., Personal Psychopathology/Early Formulations, W. W. Norton & Company . Inc. . New York, 1972, 1965, p. 211. ]

C.

Among those who prove incapable of achieving the biologically ordained heterosexual goal are a great many to whom the mother has continued to be of excessive significance, overshadowing or coloring strongly all pretensions of other women. This handicap is perhaps most vividly illustrated in the case of the woman who has married for spite a man whom she soon comes to loathe, yet with whom the peculiarities of her personality, or economic factors, or other cause, force her to live. When a son is born of such a union, he is generally sacrificed to the mother's unsatisfied erotic tendencies, and he becomes tied to her by the sort of intimacy so remarkably symbolized by Von Stuck in his painting "Die Sphinx." Whether he comes finally to rebel, hates her, and goes through life destroying as much as he can of that which arouses the mother-stereotype, or instead goes on being her child-lover, the result is most unfortunate as to his growth in personality. It is almost certain he will not proceed in erotic development past interest in his own sex.[17]

[ Harry Stack Sullivan, M.D., Personal Psychopathology/Early Formulations, W. W. Norton & Company . Inc. . New York, 1972, 1965, p. 196. ]

D.

I don't know where my mother ends and I begin.

[ A man suffering from schizophrenia, talking with his analyst. ]

96.

-- Subject: recovery is possible, I know it!

On November 30, 2010 at 11:04pm +0000, (name and website address deleted for privacy reasons) wrote:

Hello,

For the past few years I've been experiencing paranoid schizophrenia with voices predominantly calling me gay which I didn't agree with and caused me distress. I've always felt attracted to women but have felt held back. This has made me worry that the voices are right and I am gay. A few days ago I had an experience where I had the sensation I was a woman and accepted that I am bisexual. I felt like I gave birth to a woman in my head and felt like I was two people in one body. I heard her and saw a vision where she had half a face. I now feel fine and happy and confident about the future. I understand from your website that I need to make a choice about whether I want to have a partner who is a man or a woman and that this could lead to full recovery given time.

Thank you so much for this website which explains the bisexual conflict in schizophrenia. I believe it can help me and my counsellor understand.

Best wishes,

[ Name ]

Dear [Name],

Thanks so much for your very inspiring email!! I am delighted that my website has been of some help to you. You sound as if you are feeling much better now, and I am very glad you are presently working with a counsellor. It appears you are definitely on the road to the recovery of your emotional wellbeing and happiness, and I predict you will have a wonderful life ahead of you since you had the great courage and good sense to seek help when you most needed it.

Take the very best of care, and please feel free to contact me again at any time you may feel the need to do so.

All best wishes, Mike Mahoney

95.

[ November 23, 2010 ]

Hi Michael,

I would like to thank you for all your research. You have helped me tremendously understand my boyfriend of 6 yrs who is suffering from the symptoms you describe on your website. He refuses to label himself as gay although he has had numerous same sex experiences in his past (and possibly intermittently during our "breaks"). He says that it is only a mind thing and that he gets a kick out of pushing boundaries. Every few months he questions how he feels about me and tries to break off the relationship but then breaks down apologizing and crying and begging for me to come back...He enjoys very much buying lingerie for me and on occasion he has shaved his legs for no reason....I have tried to let him know that if he is gay that I understand and I will be alright with letting him go but he insists that he is not. He says that he is so obsessed with women to the point that he says he almost wants to be one. Recently he has admitted to not wanting to grow up and has acknowledged he has psychological problems and asked me what I wanted to do as far as the relationship goes. I have decided that this is not a healthy situation for me to be in and must move on. I am wondering if you can recommend an analyst in the [deleted] area that is aware of your research. I think this may help him and he seems open to receiving it.

Much Gratitude,

[ Name ]

Dear [Name],

Many thanks for your most intelligent email. It certainly does appear that your "significant other" has serious sexual identity problems that need to be addressed forthwith. I would strongly suggest he find an experienced, Freudian-oriented psycho-analyst in your area and go to him (or her). Expensive, but how do you put a monetary figure on happiness and good mental health??

Best of luck with this project, and you are certainly correct in surmising that it does not make much sense being in an ongoing, girlfriend-boyfriend type of relationship with him until he can figure out which sex he really wants to be a member of.

Please keep in touch if you wish, and lastly, have a wonderful Holiday season!!

Warm regards, Mike Mahoney

94.

Hell N Tie

I have undertaken the greatest BSG experience ever - speaking for myself. I ran a hot tub of bathwater with my usual bubble bath ( chamomile / vanilla; as usual ; added a half cup of Sea Salt and a cup and a half of Epsom Salt with menthol eucaliptus . I also added some menthol aloe vera skin stuff to ease skin roughness. I stepped into the bathtub , the water turned black almost instantly . Within the time it took to sit down ( in hot water ) it had turned green . Ordinarily a bubble bath is relaxing but not a mindblowing , orgasmic experience . Multiples for 45 minutes - had to drain the tub , rolled out , and napped on the bath towel the rest of a very pleasant evening . I have since taken six of these cylon baths - once with my girlfruiend , and two others I have foot and sponge washed ... it is wonderful . People have expressed concern over toxic side effects , however , we are already considered nuts in the first place , so , mental health complaints are nothing new for us .

I will not snake oil the reswults of my experience as I know others have reported episodes of violent acting out , not extreme erotic relaxation . Also , I have been able to determine that I am Hell N. Tie ; and that I am a model twelve , but my friiends all insist I have to be a six ( who I emulate , thx trish ) . My first sister , a One , is very loving and supportive . We tanked together because I had rollover minutes . Twelve falls and becomes one ; One had a bad experience later with a four but is feeling better now. Another four jumped in a tub with an initiated three ; , she was feeling fine , but four went screaming mad . I hope to conclude a major test with a possible lifemate tonight , if with any luck I get to bathe him . We will go in the cylon tub and smoke . , then , hot shower with no soap ... after that , he leads.

[ A communication to his mother from a man afflicted with paranoid schizophrenia, the "bearded lady" disease. ]

93.

SEOUL, South Korea -- An evangelical activist from Arizona, imprisoned by North Korea last year after he illegally entered the country on Christmas Day, appeared Wednesday on South Korean television and spoke for the first time about his treatment by his captors.
     The activist, Robert Park, 29, a Korean-American who was released in February after 43 days of detention, gave a harrowing account of his imprisonment, which he said included beatings, torture and sexual abuse.
     'The scars and wounds of the things that happened to me in North Korea are too intense,' Mr. Park said in an interview with the South Korean broadcaster KBS. 'As a result of what happened to me in North Korea, I've thrown away any kind of personal desire. I will never, you know, be able to have a marriage or any kind of relationship.'
     Mr. Park said he attempted suicide soon after he returned to the United States. He told the magazine Christianity Today that he had been 'in and out' of psychiatric hospitals for treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder [i.e., paranoid schizophrenia/JMM]. He had crossed into North Korea over the frozen Tumen River, which forms the border with China. He carried only a Bible and some letters urging North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, to close prison labor camps in the North, free all its prisoners and resign.
     Analysts in Seoul said such personal affronts to Mr. Kim were forbidden in the North and typically drew long prison terms or death sentences. But Mr. Park told friends in Seoul before he left that he would die with political prisoners if Mr. Kim refused to free them. [Continued.]

[ Activist Tells of Torture in North Korea Prison, by Mark McDonald, The New York Times, October 28, 2010, p. A8. ]

92.

A.

Baltimore (AP) -- A man who became distraught as he was being briefed on his mother's condition by a surgeon at Johns Hopkins Hospital here pulled a gun and shot the doctor on Thursday, then killed his mother and himself in her room at the medical center, the police said.
     The doctor, who was wounded in the abdomen, was expected to survive. He was identified by colleagues as Dr. David B. Cohen, an orthopedic surgeon.
     The gunman, Paul W. Pardus, 50, had been listening to the surgeon around midday when he "became emotionally distraught and reacted __ and was overwhelmed by the news of his mother's condition," Commissioner Frederick H. Bealefeld III of the Baltimore police said.
     Mr. Pardus pulled a semi-automatic gun from his waistband and shot the doctor once, the commissioner said. He then holed up in the room in a standoff of more than two hours that led the authorities to lock down a small section of the building while allowing the rest of the sprawling medical complex to remain open.

[ Doctor Wounded in Hospital Shooting, The New York Times, September 17, 2010. ]

B.

     From my material, in which negative instances are conspicuously absent, I am forced to the conclusion that schizophrenic illnesses in the male [and in the female/JMM] are intimately related as a sequent to unfortunate prolongation of the attachment of the son [or daughter/JMM] and the mother. That schizophrenic disorders are but one of the possible outcomes of persisting immature attitudes subtending the mother and son [or daughter/JMM] relationship must be evident. The failure of growth of heterosexual interests with persistence of autoerotic or homosexual interests in adolescence, is the general formula. The factors that determine a schizophrenic outcome may be clarified by a discussion on the one hand of the situations to which I shall refer as homosexual cravings and acute masturbation conflict--often immediate precursors of grave psychosis--and of the various homoerotic and autoerotic procedures, on the other.

[ Personal Psychopathology/ Early Formulations, by Harry Stack Sullivan, M.D., W. W. Norton & Company. Inc. New York (copyright 1972, 1965, by the William Alanson White Psychiatric Foundation, First Edition), p. 211. ]

91.

I went to Mental Health at 10:00 am to have an update with my case manager. I needed to take my Estradiol shot last night, but I had been out late; so I waited until this morning. I brought my needle and medicine to the clinic with me; I asked to see a nurse.
     They panicked - I had been listed (blacklisted?) as a gay male w/ psych problems, despite all objections... Psych nurses quietly exited the building as the silent alarm went off. I felt very nervous as they called emergency services! I took the needle and med and held them in my hands; I looked at them, as I am comforted by what they represent. Clients were escorted quietly outside. After I waited for the 'no nurse response' (I tend to needle freak - as I've been conditioned against shots; I shake, make mistakes, and sometimes draw blood.)
     I went into the Ladies Restroom and took it on the floor of the stall, camera and all, like a junkie. Relief came instantly as I cleaned myself up. I become mildly orgasmic after my estro shot. I also shook delightedly as I have been out of Ativan for over a week, no refill.
     My case manager came out and I saw her; she gave me two scripts, one for my mood swings, with which I am current, and surprised me with more Ativan, without my having asked. I thanked her gratuitously; I returned home. I am on my way to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. Tonight I hope to relax and take it easy at last. The Mental Health Clinic has FINALLY acknowledged me as a Woman!

[NOTE: This person has not yet undergone transgender surgery/JMM.]

90.

STYLE CREDO My style is completely schizophrenic. I can be feminine, sexy, over the top, masculine, androgynous. I see fashion as a way to play with your personality, to flirt with a part of yourself. It's like when you go on a date with someone. You're excited, you dress up, and you look phenomenal. When you get dressed, you should always be dating someone -- even if it's just yourself.

[ Anna Dello Russo, fashion director at large for Vogue Japan, (PULSE, Karin Nelson, The New York Times, Sunday, September 19, 2010) ]

89.

We have to think of different options that can take a hearty, meaty, great contact sport but minimize the risk to young people. // He loved to hit people... He loved to go into practice and hit really hard. He loved to intimidate. It's kind of sad. We all love football. We all love watching. We all love these great hits. // It gives me some peace in my heart to think this is a missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle. [Her son's incipient brain tissue injury (C.T.E.) from football-related head trauma.]

[ The Reverend Kathy Brearley, wife of Reverend Tom Thomas, parents of University of Pennsylvania football player Owen Thomas, who suicided by hanging in April, 2010. ( Story by Alan Schwarz, The New York Times, September 14, 2010, pp. A1-B12.) ]

88.

I made a test today. I went downstairs at 6:10 to prepare breakfast and heard no bang. Someone forgot to get up.  //  I found under my carpet in my room sand. I found it before too some months ago. I was shaking the carpet outside and vacuming [sic] and cleaning the floor in my room. I found sand also in 3 different rooms when I was shaking carpets. I keep thinking about all those things. It is hard to think about something else.  //  I found today a blouse where a belt to it was put in a different way that I put it two days ago. I tie the belt in front. It was put in such a way to tie it backwards. I can't go on living like this. My parents abuse me. They want me to have memory problems and drive me crazy. Please help me. I am in big depression.  //  I noticed today some stains on my jacket. I had it on for the last three days. I don't know if this is because of this or if my parents stained it.  //  I keep on losing lots of hair every day.  //  I feel very lonely and tired because of the things at home. I am dreaming to move out and feel safe about my clothes and the food I eat.  //  When I was coming back home today from the course I saw a man who looked like you, had more gray hair than you I do [sic]. I thought that it must be you, that you came here to see me. The man was dressed in high fashion with taste. He was attractive for his age and girls would be crazy after him.  //  Today I found a stone on the second floor balcony. I found it a few weeks ago. So what do you have to say about that? The theory that someone threw it isn't good any more.  //  Today I found that my new white shoes which I have had for two weeks are badly damaged. There is a long black line on the stripe. It is hardly possible that I damaged them like that out of simply walking in them. My father damaged it. I am 100% sure. Will this ever end?  //  I can smell very often in my room the paint from the bookcase I painted a year ago. How is that possible? I have no doubt my parents come to my room and paint it with paint I left last year. This is true my parents want to drive me crazy.  //  I am beginning to lose hope if I will ever move out of the house and have a peaceful mind that no one bangs, stains my clothes or paints over my bookcase.  //  In the room which is next to mine which I painted last year (well) I do a good job, I noticed today that in many places there is almost no paint. It looks like the paint has been wiped big parts of it. I don't have delusions and paranoia. I am 100% that my parents did that. The paint didn't fall off the wall after one year. I am sure that my parents want to drive me crazy or make me feel bad. They don't appreciate my work and want to ruin that. I saw that also outside the house on the wall which I painted there is almost no paint (rain could do that, but I doubt it) I don't have persecutory feelings. I can take photos for you if you wish. Please do something for me I am totally drained I can't read or concentrate on looking for a job. I often have crying attacks.  //  Do you remember how I told you that of my neighbors a few years were stalking for a few months me by driving next to my house making a huge noise with the tires of their car they started again. I am driven to insanity by this. The problems with my emotionally crazy parents are the same. Hurt technique is a daily bread.  //  I saw today that the paint on the ceiling of the hall is wiped out. I painted it last year I have no delusions. My crazy father did that. I am going to finally burst out today and tell him about that... I am getting bald. Will you finally help me?  //  Today my mother told me that I am beset by a satan and also she made me feel a sense of guilt that I threw away shoes which I wore 5 years ago. It makes me feel bad. I have no one in my family to talk with. Hurt technique is something dear to them. I hate myself.  //  I still smell the paint from the bookcase. My father paints it no doubt about it. He is still a tyrant for my mother who then tyrannizes me. I don't want to be pulled into such bullying.  //  I didn't want to stalk you with the calls. I felt so bad when I saw the window damaged in three new places ( the hinges and the plastic removed in two places I could see in place under the frame of the window that is very damaged ) I had to call you yesterday. My parents drove me to a nervous breakdown twice and they aren't going to do it for the third time. I told my mother about it and the paint removed from the wall and she said I am ill and have a problem. Will I ever have a normal life? I have big emotional scars and I feel that I will ruin any relationship or friendship.  //  Today my mother addressed me "daddy" it is the way she speaks to my father. My parents give me every day an emotional shock. I have had too many that I can handle.  //  I don't have imagined transgressions. Today on the rail of the balcony I found that part of the rail is painted white. It is fresh paint. I didn't see it before. I can assure you that I remember well what rail looks like on my balcony. I open window almost every day. I don't have paranoid schizophrenia. I would be happy if you were willing to change that. (I had paranoia before but not now) What do you need to hear from me to believe me? I don't want to deal with these things anymore. I lose my energy and time on this. I would be happy to be with you and have a peace of mind.  //  My parents scratched a piece of wall which I painted in my hall. I can't handle with this anymore. I am drained. They do these nasty things to make me feel bad. They destroy my work. Please take me to you and help me. Can you do that?  //  My mother finds it funny when I feel irritated by her behavior. She was behaving in a crazy way in the kitchen today making persistent noise while preparing things, later she bullied me with a question to which I shouldn't have answered. She is totally destructive on me being at the same time ingratiating. I feel depressed because of her. I don't know a week when I am not depressed because of my mother. At night I heard a bang in the house which woke me up and in the morning I heard several bangs against the metal roof outside. I just can't live like that.  //  I was working in the garden. It is a mess. My parents don't care what it looks like. They throw there a pile of tiles which my father removes from the balcony. They do things which irritate me. My mother behaves in a crazy way. She abused me emotionally today. I will get a heart attack if I don't move out of the house.

[ The writer's name has been deleted for privacy reasons. ]

87.

I thought you said you would have been home by now . I know you would know to use email ; my phone is out of minutes so it is of no use until it is recharged . I by no means have been having a good time ; especially the 17 days i spent in the psych ward - with an obstructed uterus . the emergency room doc smoked an invisible cigarette and just dropped it out of his mouth when i insisted on going to ob-gyn . took a week up at [ deleted ] to convince them to do the blood work . i finally did get my 'drainage' - as i menstruated with no hole , it built up , and i could have died , however, i was raped the night after being released . he perforated me and i bled for about a week . when i went to tmc about that , they sewed up the hole in my butt so when i menses it comes out my ass .
so how have you been ?

[ A communication to his mother from a paranoid schizophrenic, transgendered male. ]

86.

I am currently seeking psychiatric help for a borderline/narcissistic type issue. Although I am not yet diagnosed I am beginning to believe that sexual/gender identity issues may play a huge role in my narcissistic detachment from the world and my emotional dysregulation. I have not yet had any full-blown psychotic episodes but have experienced stress-related micro-episodes of detachment from reality. I currently live a schizoid and/or avoidant style life and recognise myself as incredibly emotionally stunted and immature underneath my mask of relative normality.

I consciously identify as heterosexual but have found issues and writing regarding sexual/gender identity issues to be almost compulsive interest and feel that they resonate with me. Has the possibility of a link between narcissism and these issues been considered?

Amongst the writings that are compiled on your website I keep seeing things such as:

"*thus leaving their children with the terrible unconscious choice of either becoming homosexual or else schizophrenic - the schizophrenia invariably occurring as the direct result of the repression and denial by these castrated children of their inevitable homosexuality."*

*Is this to say that the child has literally NO choice between homosexuality and psychosis? Despite feeling that the writing on your website resonates with me and that I feel it may well be a large factor in my own issues, I am still sexually attracted to women. Despite also being aware of repressed homosexual tendencies.

I remember reading elsewhere on the website something along the lines of "homosexuality being between narcissism and heterosexuality" - forgive me if I've misquoted; and that after accepting the repressed homosexual psychic content the person may choose to be homosexual or to emotionally mature into heterosexuality. Is it possible that this could be elaborated on?

Thank you.

Anonymous

85.

Exhaustion was the toughest enemy of all in this struggle of epic marches. Prussia's best commander, the elderly [Field Marshal Gebhart von] Blücher, was under such strain that at one point he started hallucinating about [his] giving birth to an elephant. But the imperial military machine could cope even with this, and with victory in the air Blücher himself recovered sufficiently to be carried on toward Paris in full view of his troops, wearing a lady's green silk hat to shade his eyes.

[ Mark Mazower, New York Times Book Review, June 20, 2010, p. 17, in a review of the book: Russia Against Napoleon - The True Story of the Campaigns of "War and Peace." By Dominic Lieven. Illustrated. 618 pp. Viking. ]

84.

The notion of the Oedipus complex is therefore not at all difficult to maintain if one works with this type of material. As another manifestation of that, one finds more open revolt against the certainly prescribed role in life -- that is, the sexual role -- in the hysteric than in any other group. In other words, the hysteric woman can be a man in a homosexual relation with an abandon which is scarcely conceivable in any other type of human organization, and the hysterically predisposed man can act the woman with incomparable thoroughness and lack of cynicism.

[ Clinical Studies in Psychiatry, by Harry Stack Sullivan, M.D., Edited by Helen Swick Perry, Mary Ladd Gawel, and Martha Gibbon, with a Foreword by Dexter M. Bullard, M.D., W. W. Norton & Company. Inc. New York, 1973, pp. 115-16. ]

83.

Subject: Re: CONFLICT AND "SEXUAL" IDENTITY CAUSING SCHIZOPHRENIA?
On April 20, 2010 at 5:27pm -0700, you wrote:

Well...I'll tell you what? Being as I AM A Schizophrenic? I think I would know in a way more personal way than you..And I do NOT suffer from some deep seated perverted homosexual desires..

"What joy for the nation whose God is the Lord, whose people he has chosen as his inheritance."(--Psalm 33:12--)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: cONFLICT AND "SEXUAL" IDENTIY CAUSING SCHIZOPHRENIA??
On April 19, 2010 at 6:04pm -0700, you wrote:

YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR COTTON-PICKING MIND!!!

"Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm".-(-Ephesians 6:13-)

[ Note: The name of the woman who wrote the above two
emails has been deleted for privacy reasons. ]

82.

It has long been known and often pointed out that at the age of puberty boys and girls show clear signs, even in normal cases, of the existence of an affection for people of their own sex. A romantic and sentimental friendship with one of her school friends, accompanied by vows, kisses, promises of eternal correspondence, and all the sensibility of jealousy, is the common precursor of a girl's first serious passion for a man. Thenceforward, in favorable circumstances, the homosexual current of feeling often runs completely dry. But if a girl is not happy in her love for a man, the current is often set flowing again by the libido in later years and is increased up to a greater or lesser degree of intensity. If this much can be established without difficulty of healthy persons, and if we take into account what has already been said [p.50] about the fuller development in neurotics of the normal germ of perversion, we shall expect to find in these latter too a fairly strong homosexual disposition. It must, indeed, be so; for I have never yet come through a single psycho-analysis of a man or a woman without having to take into account a very considerable current of homosexuality. When, in a hysterical woman or girl, the sexual libido which is directed towards men has been energetically suppressed, it will regularly be found that the libido which is directed towards women has become vicariously reinforced and even to some extent conscious. [likewise in men and boys - jmm]

[ Sigmund Freud, Vol. VII, The Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud (A Case of Hysteria), The Hogarth Press, London, 1953, p. 60. ]

81.

     Another child wished so intensely to be a boy that for periods of time she delusionally believed she was one. She also resented her brother's luck in belonging to the envied sex. So she went about correcting it; whenever she encountered the words boy or man in her reading, she read girl and lady; if the printed page read girl or woman, she read it boy or man. Similarly, she read all he's for she's and the other way around.

[ SURVIVING -- and Other Essays, by Bruno Bettelheim, Alfred A. Knopf, New York, 1979, p. 159. ]

80.

(First email)

To: Venusemail@aol.com
Sent: Tue, Feb 9, 2010 7:27 pm
Subject: Schizophrenia

Hey, I've been half-heartedly researching schizophrenia for about 3 hours, I just read your memoirs and it all sounds so similar to how my boyfriend described it. He was diagnosed with it a few days ago, he also suffers from paranoia and OCD but they aren't very strong cases. I'm scared... I hate saying that because I'm a pretty strong person, but I am scared, scared of what he might do, scared of losing him. Not breaking up with him, although I obviously don't really want that to happen, but I'm scared that he might kill himself or the schizophrenia will drive him to do something awful. He's tried to kill himself quite a few times before we got together, he hurts himself occasionally... We live far apart and he gets depression and he says he can't help hurting himself which I guess I understand now he's been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I don't know why I'm writing this to you, but I'm not sure who else to tell. I'm fourteen... And I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if I've wasted your time.

Yours Faithfully,
[name deleted for privacy reasons]

(This email was sent to "Venus," author of the link on this website: A Personal Account of a Journey Through Madness.)

--------------------------------------------------------------

(second email)

To: venusemail@aol.com
Sent: Mon, Feb 22, 2010 4:21 pm
Subject: RE: Schizophrenia

Hello,
He is doing well, he has it under control most of the time. I mentioned he also has OCD and paranoia, these affect his schizophrenia sometimes. His OCD makes him click his fingers and he has a thing about the number 10, for example he has to take steps 10 at a time and stop on an exact multiple of 10. If he doesn't do this it sometimes leads to paranoia, where he thinks people are following him or someone is going to break into his house and come and take him away, or his schizophrenia begins. He says it helps when he has fits of schizophrenia if we just talk or hug or something like that as a distraction. The thing I worry about most is him hurting himself, he has done a few times on purpose out of depression, this was before we met but since then he hasn't, but schizophrenia often makes you do things that you can't help doing, i think? He is the same age as me, 14. He will be 15 at the beginning of March.

Thank you for the reply
Yours,
[name deleted for privacy reasons]

(This email was sent to "Venus," author of the link on this website: A Personal Account of a Journey Through Madness.)

79.

     On other occasions, the therapist experiences a resolution of the symbiosis, or at least a step in this resolution process, not in this quiet and subjectively inscrutable way, but rather with a sudden sense of OUTRAGE. The very word OUTrage is significant, and the feeling it designates is qualitatively different from annoyance, anger, or even rage. He feels outrage at this or that chronic regressive symptom in the patient, or outrage at the latter's whole regressive symptomatology, and always outrage at the unreasonableness of the demands which the patient has been making upon him these many months or years. He see the enormity of these demands which the patient has been placing, through his illness, upon him and other persons, and sees clearly the folly of acquiescing further in these regressive demands. He is suddenly and vigorously determined to give no more of his long-time dedication, now seen as misplaced dedication, to the gratification of these demands, which he formerly saw as infant needs which it would be unthinkable to brush aside.
     The therapist sees now, by the same token, the full interpersonal offensiveness of the patient's defense mechanisms, whereas he possessed heretofore a high degree of tolerance for such offensiveness in his patient and maintained a devoted effort to see and emphasize with the anxiety, the hurt, the loneliness, and so on, against which the patient has been unconsciously protecting himself through the use of these defense mechanisms. In my work, for example, one paranoid schizophrenic man who chronically manifested intense scorn and sarcasm in his dealings with other persons including myself, for nearly two years I had experienced increasing forbearance towards and sympathy with him as I saw more and more clearly the feelings of hurt, disappointment, and so on which the scorn and sarcasm was serving to maintain under repression. But then with the advent of the resolution-of-symbiosis phase, it forcibly dawned upon me how genuinely obnoxious to me as well as to others he was being with his scorn and sarcasm, the defensive function of these notwithstanding.
     In other words, one now holds the patient highly responsible for his symptoms. One now leaves in his hands the choice as to whether he wants to spend the remainder of his life in a mental hospital, or whether he wants, instead, to become well. In every instance that I can recall from my own experience, I have found occasion to express this newly won attitude to the patient himself, emphasizing that it is all the same to me. These are no mere words, but the expression of a deep and genuine feeling orientation. One cares not, now, how callous this may sound, nor even whether the patient will respond to it with suicide or incurable psychotic disintegration, and one feels and says this while casting one's own professional status, too, into the gamble, not to mention the potential feelings of lasting remorse to which one might be subject in case one's communication had such an irremediably destructive effect upon the patient. Thus, in effect, ones braves the threat of destruction both to the patient and to oneself in taking it into one's hands to declare one's individuality, come what may.[...]
     Part of this new attitude on the therapist's part is a readiness to let the patient 'stew in his own juice' in contrast to his often having found himself, previously, vicariously expressing the patient's feelings in the symbiosis which then obtained. Likewise, he feels a new freedom to express his own individual thoughts and feelings to the patient as an individual - or, at any rate, as one whose nascent individuality is increasingly in evidence - without being hampered by concerns as to whether he is being inconsistent towards him or is treating the latter unfairly in comparison with his other patients - a not unimportant aspect of the work when one has two or three patients on the same ward.

[ Harold F. Searles, M.D., Collected Papers on Schizophrenia and Related Subjects, International Universities Press, New York, 1965, pp. 544-546. ]

78.

     Without going further into all the details of the course of his [Daniel Paul Schreber's] illness, attention is drawn to the way in which from the early more acute psychosis which influenced all psychic processes and which could be called hallucinatory insanity, the paranoid form of the illness became more and more marked, crystallized out so to speak, into its present picture.
     This kind of illness is, as is well known, characterized by the fact that next to a more or less fixed elaborate delusional system, there is complete possession of mental faculties and orientation, formal logic is retained, marked affective reactions are missing, neither intelligence nor memory are particularly affected and the conception and judgment of indifferent matters, that is to say matters far removed from the delusional ideas, appear not to be particularly affected, although naturally because of the unity of all psychic events they are not untouched by them.
     Thus President Schreber now appears neither confused, nor psychically inhibited, nor markedly affected in his intelligence, apart from the psycho-motor symptoms which stand out clearly as pathological to even the casual observer: he is circumspect, his memory excellent, he commands a great deal of knowledge, not only in matters of law but in many other fields, and is able to reproduce it in an orderly manner, he is interested in political, scientific and artistic events, etc., and occupies himself with them continuously (although recently he seems to have been distracted from them a little more again), and little would be noticeable in these directions to an observer not informed of his total state. Nevertheless, the patient is filled with pathological ideas, which are woven into a complete system, more or less fixed, and not amenable to correction by objective evidence and judgment of circumstances as they really are; the latter still less so as hallucinatory and delusory processes continue to be of importance to him and hinder normal evaluation of sensory impressions. As a rule the patient does not mention these pathological ideas or only hints at them, but it is evident how much he is occupied by them, partly from some of his writings (extracts of some are added), partly it is easily seen from his whole bearing.

[ Dr. G. Weber, Superintendent of the Sonnenstein Asylum, in Memoirs of My Nervous Illness, by Dr. jur. Daniel Paul Schreber, Leipzig, Germany 1903. Translated, Edited, with Introduction, Notes and Discussion by Drs. Ida Macalpine and Richard A. Hunter, Wm. Dawson & Sons, Ltd., London, 1955, pp. 271-272. ]

77.

The division of mental diseases into neuroses and psychoses has resulted in new names such as ambulatory or latent schizophrenia, or prepsychosis for the multitude of patients who appear to fall between the two stools.
     It is instructive that Schreber was diagnosed in his first illness as suffering from severe hypochondriasis; his second illness commenced as an 'anxiety' neurosis with attacks of panic, then hypochondriacal delusions and suicidal depression; later catatonic excitement alternating with stupor. From then on he might well have been diagnosed variously as suffering from catatonic schizophrenia, paranoid schizophrenia, dementia paranoides, dementia praecox, monomania, chronic mania, involutional melancholia, paranoia paraphrenia, obsessional neurosis, anxiety hysteria, tension state, transvestitism, psychopathy, etc.

[ Dr. jur. Daniel Paul Schreber (1842-1911), Memoirs of My Nervous Illness, Leipzig, Germany 1903. Translated, Edited, with Introduction, Notes and Discussion by Drs. Ida Macalpine and Richard A. Hunter, Wm. Dawson & Sons, Ltd., London, 1955, p. 15. ]

76.

Hello Michael,

I do find your work fascinating as my boyfriend is suffering 'bearded lady disease' ..... self diagnosed by (me) after reading your online book.

We had a 6yr gay relationship until earlier this year when he ended the relationship so he could lead a Charlie Sheen 2 1/2 men lifestyle. Basically, he wanted to sleep with lots of women.

7 months later, and he has not slept with any women, but he has had gay sex with me and did like to talk about the sex he would like to have with females.

2 weeks ago he jumped in front of a train (attempted suicide) he is still alive but lost his right wrist. He still loves me and wants to be with me, yet still has sexual desires' for women. I have mentioned your book and may even give him a copy, although he did say he needs sexual counseling. One step forward I guess.

Can you tell me if you have organized therapy training anywhere in Australia, preferably Melbourne?

Regards [ Name deleted for privacy reasons ]

75.

A.

We should be inclined to say that what was characteristically paranoiac about the illness was the fact that the patient, as a means of warding off a homosexual wishful phantasy, reacted precisely with delusions of persecution of this kind.

These considerations therefore lend and added weight to the circumstance that we are in point of fact driven by experience to attribute to homosexual wishful phantasies an intimate (perhaps an invariable) relation to this particular form of disease. Distrusting my own experience on the subject, I have during the last few years joined with my friends C. G. Jung of Zurich and Sandor Ferenczi of Budapest in investigating upon this single point a number of cases of paranoid disorder which have come under observation. The patients whose histories provided the material for this enquiry included both men and women, and varied in race, occupation, and social standing. Yet we were astonished to find that in all of these cases a defense against a homosexual wish was clearly recognizable at the very centre of the conflict which underlay the disease and that it was in an attempt to master an unconsciously reinforced current of homosexuality that they had all of them come to grief [1]. This was certainly not what we had expected. Paranoia is precisely a disorder in which a sexual etiology is by no means obvious; far from this, the strikingly prominent features in the causation of paranoia, especially among males, are social humiliations and slights. But if we go into the matter only a little more deeply, we shall be able to see that the really operative factor in these social injuries lies in the part played in them by the homosexual components of emotional life. So long as the individual is functioning normally and it is consequently impossible to see into the depths of his mental life, we may doubt whether his emotional relations to his neighbors in society have anything to do with sexuality, either actually or in their genesis. But delusions never fail to uncover these relations and to trace back the social feelings to their roots in a directly sensual erotic wish. So long as he was healthy, Dr. Schreber, too, whose delusions, culminating in a wishful phantasy of an unmistakably homosexual nature, had, by all accounts, shown no signs of homosexuality in the ordinary sense of the word.

[1] Further confirmation is afforded by Maeder's analysis of a paranoid patient J.B. (1910). The present paper, I regret to say, was completed before I had an opportunity of reading Maeder's work.

[ Notes on a Case of Paranoia, in The Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume XII (1911-1913), London, The Hogarth Press and the Institute of Psycho-Analysis, 1958, pp. 59-60. ]

B.

Since then I have wholeheartedly inscribed the cultivation of femininity on my banner, and I will continue to do so as far as consideration of my environment allows, whatever other people who are ignorant of the supernatural reasons may think of me. I would like to meet the man who, faced with the choice of either becoming a demented human being in male habitus or a spirited woman, would not prefer the latter. Such and only such, is the issue for me.

[ Dr. jur. Daniel Paul Schreber (1842-1911), Memoirs of My Nervous Illness, Leipzig, Germany 1903. Translated, Edited, with Introduction, Notes and Discussion by Drs. Ida Macalpine and Richard A. Hunter, Wm. Dawson & Sons, Ltd., London, 1955, p. 149. ]

C.

And if tormented and in anguish man is mute, God granted me to tell me of what I suffer.

[ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1749-1832: The above words from a poem by Goethe were used by Dr. jur. Daniel Paul Schreber as the epigraph for his Memoirs of My Nervous Illness. ]

74.

A.

It would seem that the schizophrenic patient is often of the third generation of abnormal persons of whom we can gain some information. The preceding two generations of mothers appear to have been obsessive, schizoid women who did not adjust well to men. There is some evidence that they were, in a sense, immature and that within the obsessive character structure could be found hysterical difficulties.

It is to be noted, also, that there are two preceding generations of men who are not masters, or equals, in their own marriages and homes, or psychosexually very successful, and who are often described as immature, alcoholic, and passive, or hard-working, self-centered, and detached from the family. We do not know what sort of mothers and fathers these fathers of schizophrenics may have had, but it could be presumed that the fact that they let themselves be married to mothers of schizophrenics implies something concerning their own mothers.

Loosely, the pattern which emerges is that of two generations of female ancestors who were aggressive, even if in a weak-mannered and tearful way, and two generations of male ancestors who were effeminate, even if the effeminacy was disguised by obsessive or psychopathic tendencies.

[ Lewis B. Hill, M.D., Psychotherapeutic Intervention in Schizophrenia, University of Chicago Press, Chicago, 1955, pp. 134-135. ]

B.

We must recognize that the sexual affections are still the greatest constructive forces of the personality if properly conditioned and adjusted, but also that they may become the most insidiously, irresistibly destructive if perverted or unconditionally repressed.

[ Edward J. Kempf, M.D., Psychopathology, C. V. Mosby Company, St. Louis, MO, 1920. ]

C.

The mother's attitude was so subtly ingratiating and yet domineering that she would almost have to be destroyed as a mother if the patient were to free herself from its terrible influence and win her own womanhood and independence. [Likewise for a son - his own manhood and independence/jmm]

[ Edward J. Kempf, M.D., Psychopathology, C. V. Mosby Company, St. Louis, 1920. ]

D.

I am indebted to Dr. Will Elgin, of the Sheppard and Enoch Pratt Hospital, for another repeated observation which, because it is characteristic, needs reporting. For many years Dr. Elgin, in the process of admitting patients, observed the enactment of a scene which assumed diagnostic significance. His office arrangement permitted relatives a choice of three seats, one opposite his desk, one at the end of it quite near him, and one several feet away. He observed that when the mother and father of the patient appeared together to arrange admission, there occurred something of significance. If mother sat in one of the two chairs at his desk, and father sat off in a corner, it usually followed that mother took over the discussion, did the talking, made the arrangements, and even read the fine print on the contract. Father, meanwhile, looked unhappy and was silent save for an occasional abortive effort to modify certain of the mother's statements. When this was the course of the admission interview, he came to know that the odds were that the patient [male or female/jmm] would be schizophrenic. There is an interesting addendum. In a later interview father, appearing alone, was often very aggressive in his criticism and his demands and accusations. However, it could often be demonstrated that his belligerence was that of a very unwilling agent of his wife.

[ Lewis B. Hill, M.D., Psychotherapeutic Intervention in Schizophrenia, University of Chicago Press, 1955, pp. 106-107. ]

E.

Sexual identity guarantees our psychic unity.

[ Julia Kristeva, Psychoanalyst ]

F.

I had to pay heavily for this bit of good luck. People did not want to believe my facts and thought my theories unsavory. Resistance was unrelenting.

[ Sigmund Freud ]

73.

A.

In any case, the appearance within awareness of the homoerotic interest stirs such violent self-reproach that a dissociation or a vigorous defensive process results. If the self is able to dissociate the abhorrent system, the personality continues to be in grave danger of panic with succeeding schizophrenia, unless the sexual tensions are being drained off by some collateral procedure such as frequent masturbation or more or less definitely auto-sexual intercourse with women [with men in the case of females/jmm]. Moreover, under cover of the dissociation, experience in any case continues to be integrated into the dissociated system and its partition in the personality to grow.

[ Harry Stack Sullivan, M.D., Personal Psychopathology, W. W. Norton & Company, New York, 1972, 1965, p. 212. ]

B.

Among those who prove incapable of achieving the biologically ordained heterosexual goal are a great many to whom the mother has continued to be of excessive significance, overshadowing or coloring strongly all pretensions of other women. This handicap is perhaps most vividly illustrated in the case of the woman who has married for spite a man whom she soon comes to loathe, yet with whom the peculiarities of her personality, or economic factors, or other cause, force her to live. When a son is born of such a union, he is generally sacrificed to the mother's unsatisfied erotic tendencies, and he becomes tied to her by the sort of intimacy so remarkably symbolized by Von Stuck in his painting, Die Sphinx. Whether he comes finally to rebel, hates her, and goes through life destroying as much as he can of that which arouses the mother stereotype, or instead goes on being her child-lover, the result is most unfortunate as to his growth in personality. It is almost certain that he will not proceed in erotic development past interest in his own sex.

[ Harry Stack Sullivan, M.D., Ibid., p. 169. ]

C.

Sexual asceticism was the greatest good, and both organized and informal opportunities for its achievement were provided. Once one had turned from the lure of the flesh, one could live quietly in a considerable measure of sanctified intimacy with a group of kindred souls. Or one could take to a dignified paranoid state and go about a slow "psychical castration." If schizophrenic phenomena appeared, this did not necessarily disable one: quite a few opportunities for utilizing this eccentricity were provided in the business of evangelism. Moreover, one might, if needs be, found an eccentric religion and often secure the necessary disciples.

[ Harry Stack Sullivan, M.D., Personal Psychopathology, Ibid., p. 262. ]

D.

... In them [schizophrenics] the early childhood tie to the parent has never been outgrown--they rationalize their failures into the high calling of "giving up my life to my mother" or being "unwilling to leave my mother alone."

[ Harry Stack Sullivan, M.D., Personal Psychopathology, Ibid., p. 262. ]

E.

These sudden reintegrations of tendencies opposed to homosexual activity in turn set up the situation of homosexual cravings, with consequences similar to those above indicated. That the outcome in these individuals who have had earlier experience is somewhat less ominous than is the case in its absence is not only theoretically to be expected, but actually the case in the paranoid developments.

[ Harry Stack Sullivan, M.D., Ibid., p. 214. ]

F.

[ Likewise in the case of a daughter/jmm ]

[ Harry Stack Sullivan, M.D., Ibid., p. 199. ]

G.

From my material, in which negative instances are conspicuously absent, I am forced to the conclusion that schizophrenic illnesses in the male [or female/jmm] are intimately related as a sequel to unfortunate prolongation of the attachment of the son [or daughter/jmm] and the mother. That schizophrenic disorders are but one of the possible outcomes of the persisting immature attitudes subtending the mother and son [or daughter/jmm] relationship must be evident. The failure of growth of heterosexual interests, with persistence of auto-erotic or homosexual interests in adolescence, is the general formula. The factors that determine a schizophrenic outcome may be clarified by a discussion on the one hand of the situations to which I shall refer as homosexual cravings and acute masturbation conflict - often immediate precursors of grave psychosis - and of the various homo-erotic and auto-erotic procedures, on the other. [See further, New Quotation/Comment 757 - this website/JMM.]

[ Harry Stack Sullivan, M.D., Ibid., p. 211. ]